The Last Peg

It was the best time ever for the last time.

Yes, She did drink - but there was a reason - It was not for fun or enjoyment.

Everytime she got high with her last peg - she could throw out her emotions on him easily. She could say every nonsense that would make sense later on. She could get the guts to cut her heart and throw it out to him.

 

As she watched, getting her sixth peg, she knew it would be her last one.

She saw how the vodka made its way in the small pieces of ice in the glass..how the litchi flavour would cover up the taste of vodka and make her feel less guilty.

 

"Cheers" she said it to herself and gulped down in one shot.

 

She frantically searched for her phone..as she got up from the ground she could feel the whole world around her going translucent...she looked on the bed..there it was...somehow she thought, her phone was her best companion at night - the only device that could connect him and her in those dark nights...and there she din't have to search his name - it was always in her last dialled numbers - though she would not make a full ring - she managed to call him once a day or at nights so that his name would always remain in the last dialled numbers...

 

There I go..she knew she would call him at the last peg.

 

Ringing ringing ringing - It was against his pride,if at all he picked up the phone immediately.. There was not a single time when he picked up the phone in 2-3 rings. It always used to take longer - sometimes he never picked it up. And she just crossed her fingers that, that sometime should not be this time.

 

"Hello" and she was relieved. He asked her "Drunk" and she mumbled to say "Hmmm".

 

There was silence. The silence in between them had words. They could hear each other even when there were no words.He could hear her breath - faster than usual. He knew she would say something that will pinch him hard - it always did.

 

She had just one sentence to tell - "I still love you, love you so much - I dont care what you did, what happened in your past, how much you tormented me, but nothing is letting this feeling getting killed"

 

There was silence - as usual - he dint speak anything.

 

She had lost her senses - but she knew this was her life's last peg.

 

"I m getting married" - was her last sentence, that was her Last Peg. She had vowed never to drink.

 

The only reason for her vodka was him- and now it was over.

 

She hung up.

 

His fingers did not have the strength to call her back. But his heart had the guts to let her go.

Possessed

She craved for him...again..She lay still in her bed. It was 1:30 AM..waiting, thinking about him...waiting for his call..waiting for a message.

Deep inside, She knew he was not thinking about her at that moment.

Yet, She wanted him.

She woke up,sat on the bed,for sometime, thinking "Why is it me ? - Why do you keep on tempting me,for you, why is it that I crave like a small baby for you?..Why is it I want to be in your arms and never want to leave you?

She grew restless, because until she did not tell this to him..her mind would be full,nothing works - She keeps on thinking about him, just him,it stops for every single thing in this world.

She needed to tell him, what she thought, how she felt - She had done this like for hundred times over in the year - yet there was nothing that moved him..still she wanted to speak her heart out.

At times, She felt silly - She thought - "Why do I tell you - I feel like a fool."

Sometimes, she felt,he must be laughing on her..She din't care even if he did now.. Sometimes she wondered there might be so many out there wanting to tell him the same things again and again - Her words might not be new to him, but it meant everything to her and once again she wanted to tell him -
                          
                        "How much possesed she was, by him"

She walked out of the room, to the terrace - to feel the breeze, as though he was hugging her, as though she was in his arms, the best feeling in the world - to know that she belonged to him and no one else - that now she had the whole world start and stop with him.

She sat there on the swing,moving it slowly - She din't realize the sun stepped out and she could see the rays in her eyes - as though, it was him - who woke her up with nothing but love.

She felt he was there - there with her all the time.

Possesed again, with thoughts - "Why do I feel you so much for you and why doesn't my love reach to u ? Why doesn't this feeling live in ur soul?

Why don't u feel this ? Why don't I have the same magic just the way you do?

        "Just the way I sway myself into trance and breathe you in me?"

High - Without the smoke n the weed.

You are like a drug, a bit like Vodka with litchi juice..something like those first Raindrops..something even more...

It would be sin, if you thought that your effect would last only for a while because I said you are something even more...

And somehow your effect does not wear off...

The more drug I take..The more stoned I would want to be..

The more I have vodka..the more High I would want to be....

The more I stand in the rain..the more drenched I would want to get..

You are magical..Magic that creates a circle around me..
The circle I can't step out to, the circle that keeps following around me wherever I go.

I get high without the smoke and the weed,you don't even need to be close to hold me near, just the thought brings me shivers..

As I close my eyes, all I feel, is I am too High, too High to come back to senses.

Its that Magic Moment, that temptation, that urge to be with you and no one else, that craving - something that probably you never understood or ignored to realize.

What is it about you, that makes me high - without the smoke and the weed?

A lil More of U

I know,you exist. Sometimes, I believe you exist only for me.
Sometimes, I feel you breathe for me.

I know, you don't tell how much I mean to you. You never did.
You knew, I knew - so you never told.

I know, what you feel, how much you feel, how much you would miss me and I know how silent you can go on to be.

I know,you live in my skin,my soul - so near to me that I can feel your skin underneath me.
I know,as a whole you belong to me.

But,there could be a little more of you in me - there could be sometimes those unexpected messages and calls, there could be some more talks, there could be a little more affection, there could be something special.
That wouldn't hurt - there could be a moment which makes me stand-still. There could be a second where I just melt away in your arms.

I wish you knew,you can never be enough, I need a little more of you everyday.

There could be a little More of you In me.

Just a little more - wouldn't hurt you, would complete my circle of love.

Crime-Partners

And that is what friends are for...You wake them in the middle of the night - randomly talk stuff..gossip about any damn thing in the world..and just be yourself with those cuss words coming in between...those eyes speaking to each other when there is third person around..the way where you can just be yourself - no formalities, no thank you, no please - it's that "You just got to do it - you do not have a choice"...

 

Plans to go shopping,movies,cafes,search a dance class,those walks and in between the gossips of the whole world..some random dreams,thoughts, desires, some more future plans (which may never work out at all)

 

You can share everything but choclates :D

 

Then there are night-outs - some more teasing, some more fun..some more of pulling each other's legs...those moments that keep on accumulating into memories and as you look back and see - the best time of your life would have been with your friends.

There are those trips that you went to which are just so close to your heart not as much as your honeymoon would be :) 

 

That is what friends are for - you forget birthdays and then call up to remind each other - "Damn, today is my birthday - good you forgot about it - else I would have believed - you have changed" - You never in all these years exchange gifts - probably not even on weddings and still you know someone there is always there - standing for you whenever you need.

 

There are no expectations..there are fights, there are arguments which would not even last a day..and then the next second you behave as though nothing happened..You can indeed finish each other's sentences and go to places with each other till the end of the world....You have been together for all the crimes you ever did in your life and there are almost no secrets between.  

 

And so that is what your crime-partners are for-There are no sins with them.

  

         Heavenly feeling - when you can lend that shoulder in need.

Oucchh!!! That Hurts!!!

Complexities of mind, loose wiring of the brain, loopholes in analysis, the "let-it-be" attitude,
"I-don't-care" Lies, Fakeness around,fake within,Ignorance, the power to avoid, the power to control, the temptations, the guilt, the pleasures, the desires, those random thoughts, those blue moods, that bliss, that yes, that no, Upside-down, the "why-me" question, the decision, the no-decision, the cross-roads,beautiful outside - Ugly-in,Charming outside - Devilish Inside, The two sides of the same coin, the optimism, the pessimism, The Questions, the emptiness, blank - void,Love, the demotion of becoming friends from lovers, the break-up, those happy moments, those kodak times, the irritation, the frustation, boring, the same old routine, Jealousy, wierdness, craziness, Likeness, Lovable moments, that panic feeling, sinking down, breaking down, falling, rising above, falling again, Rising, the never-die-attitude, The struggle, the rebellious, the my-way or no-way, the cold war, the heated arguments, the tears, the pain, the Shit-Did-I-Ever-Love-You ? 

The Shit-I-made-a-mistake-again, those flashbacks, that music, the favourite songs, the importance, the updates, the I-am-coming-to-meet-you messages, the I-am-waiting-for-you downstairs, those little little moments, those swinging moods, those tantrums,that unfinished fun-fair, that candle-lights,that flirting,those up-downs, those "I- got-dressed-up-for-u" moments,The cravings for tea, the craft exhibitions, those movies,Those morning messages, those good night wishes.That security, that peace, that happiness, that completeness, that satisfaction, that urge to LIVE, that reason to wake up in the morning,that reason to be beautiful each day, the struggle to love. The ability to understand the SILENCE, the Inability to understand the WORDS, those Eyes that spoke, the Smile that gave a new life, those loud laughters,that childishness, that innocence, that Purity, those unfinished sentences, those poems, those writings, those pictures, those MOMENTS.

                                   

                                That "Being a strength and the weakness at the same time"

                             

                              That Will u stand by me ? That Damn wait for "Will you marry me?" 

Poison

Poison - That element which can bring things to end. Happy things, Sad things.

It just comes up and creeps in your life in such an unnoticed way. By the time you realize it is poison, its too late.

Too late to Undo things - She always wondered - Is there an UNDO button somewhere or a fast forward button ?

A poisonous soul, a poisonous body, a poisonous mind - the worst - a heart dipped in poison - makes things awry in your life. A heart that gave nothing but betrayal, false hopes.

You wait so long for a thing to happen, so desperate with faith keep standing out there - for that moment would come - when eveything would be right - Just right - the way you wanted - making you filled up with bliss and there on the other side - on the background, the behind stage scene - You never knew - You were being effected - by those poisonous elements which would one day make you crumble to the ground that you can never stand back - the way that you would never be able to look into the mirror, in a way that trust would become extinct in your life.

She just wished she never had heard the facts - heard the fact - that he never loved her - that he loved someone else - that he was so cruel, so mean  - that she had stepped down a wrong station and was waiting on a wrong station for long. For years - more than that. As he made his way towards his happiness - his desires, his wishes - him him him all the time - she always thought it was an "US" and it took long to realize that it was HIM all the way.

Once more, she told herself - "It's not his fault, it is yours."
Yours once more - You let the poison inside you - the poison of stubborness, the poison of not letting go, the poison of waiting forever, the poison of not giving anybody else a chance, the POISON of LOVE - Love that was so much pure - which din't melt him - her own poison of trust that killed everything inside her.

Conquered Monster

                      

This post is a big WOW!!! by BlogAdda :)

"Jump, come on - You have a life jacket with you and you just wont be killed" - That was his millionth attempt 

"No, I just can't"  And that was her way of letting fear win.


"Come on gal, no one knows swimming and still they are alive right over there, Its going to be the best feeling in the world"

She stepped ahead one more time and looked down. Trying hard to fight with that evil-monster named "Fear", She did not do it. 

It was just a 20 ft cliff jump with a life jacket on her and she could not do it. 

Reflecting back today - she thinks - It would have been the best feeling ever - The feeling when one conquers this monster Fear in them and achieves something so,so not-achievable for them. 

And One day I will do all the things that I never did. Some I never attempted due to the simple reason of Fear to Fail,Some which din't attract me due to the simple reason of not having an attractive reward attached to it and some which just din't give me that kick in me. 

Loads of dreams and loads of wishes tagged along with a fear - the fear to start something new, the fear to fail, the fear to leave something half-way. 

How many times I have thought myself to push to the Gym ? How many times have I thought myself to start doing the happiest exercise of dancing ? How many times have I thought to start that postponed MBA ? How many times have I thought to implement new processes at my work place to make it better?

It has been countless times when I have decided that I would stay happy and love what I do - It has been countless times when I have really made up my mind to start up something new and as I gear myself up to that new so-called venture of mine I am pushed back with this monster "Fear" in me. 

The best thing in life would be to conquer this monster - FEAR. 

The best thing is life is to live a life that has no boundaries. 

The best thing in life is to have the "Just-Do-it" attitude. 

One Life and we all just live it once - how easy is it to fulfill those small desires ? How easy is it to walk up to the nearby Gym and get yourself attracted to it ? How easy is it to rush to the dance class and hop on with your dancing shoes and have the time of your life ? How easy is it to talk to the senior management to make the processes simpler ? 

What would the worst thing happen - You might quit up gymming in 2 weeks ? You might not just get the steps right ? Your senior management may just not agree with you ?

Sunset never meant that sunrise won't ever happen again - You might just fall in love so much with your gym that you might not want to miss it a day - Dancing would be just next to breathing in your life - Essential for you to live - Your senior management might just be wanting you to speak it out.

The world is a beautiful place to live in with this one prized possession that everyone has - Life. Live it out loud.

There is not just one best thing in the world, I am dead sure there are millions. Even if you can conquer the thousand best things in the world - Your life might just be worth living.

And I tell it to myself again - Loud and clear :

           

Push yourself to fight with that monster Fear and win over it. 

Lose that fear and tell someone how much you loved them.

           Stop thinking of what people thought about you.

     Accept yourself as you are and stand up for what you really really believe.

           Make those small extra efforts for each other - the efforts to show  how much we need people around us - who knows they may not be the next moment with you. 

Forgive and forget the bad instances of life and create space for some real new adventures.

Live a life without any regrets.
Best things in life won't just walk upto you, you will have to fight.
Get up and fight - Fight to live - the way you always wanted, because you just live it once.

Conquer that monster that makes you timid every time you look into the mirror.

Let your reflection speak up for what you really are.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Quest-For-A-Treasure

                This post is a winning entry at badhai.in contest :)                               

                 Love does not need to be showered *Conditions applied*

                           (Please read the terms and conditions before falling in love)

"Aww..Dude, you have had a lot of girl-friends and therefore you know what to gift me all the time :D" 

Her reflexes spoke up as soon as they got indulged into the conversation of buying gifts for each other.

She avoided buying gifts totally. And gifts for him were never pleasant experiences.

It was not that She din't love him, and it was not that She din't want to spend on him - It was just the plain nature of her - thinking about:buying a gift for someone else - It gave her a creepy feeling - just like some sort of a night-mare - just like ordering something for someone in a restaurant - "How the hell do I know what you like to eat?  and so what if we have been going out almost everyday - I still cannot order anything for you and I am programmed that way."

My programming does not allow me to to choose a gift :-(But all her pleads went to deaf ears.

Oh, Come on - all these years she had never bought anything for anyone not even her dearest sister - with whom she had lived for 27 years and now all of a sudden the man of her life came and told her - "We have to and we should buy gifts for each other." 

The mere thought of buying a gift for HIM, "oh my god, HIM "- the most finicky character on earth (God knows, how he choose her :P) , the guy who is so,so picky and She "bechaari"- She who would be happy even if he just sends her a rose(everyday:P)  

Unlike him - he needs perfection, he needs class, he needs brands, he needs longetivity of the gift and he needs every possible adjective in the gift.

She always seemed she was a winner in almost all the things she did - and here came the biggest blow - Fortunately - "They", yes, "They" were completing a real one year of seeing each other - silently, They both were actually laughing about it -(He - the hot and happening dude of the town - spending one whole year with the not-so-happening gal, a silent killer and actually a gal who could be a real pain - u know where :D)

And she, a confused soul on earth - who could not even decide what to wear - had spend an year with a guy who wasn't even real near to what she had expected her man to be :) and yet here they were still together - going to cheer to themselves about the whole year.

Opposites really attract - it seemed so.Hence Proved.

She was happy and so was he. But the little,little fine lines on her forehead made it clear to him. That-"You-cannot-do-it" face was readable.

He knew what her next statement would be and she immediately popped up that statement with her nice,cute,innocent face - "Come on, lets go shopping, you buy for yourself and I will buy what I like - simple and easy. Not a bit of complication except that there will be no surprise elements, ofcourse."

And he totally hated this idea - the lack of surprise element.

Allright, so now all her efforts were going futile of cajoling him to buy gifts for oneself and so she decided - "Come on,gal, its just a gift - what if he doesn't like - that's fine - he wont break up just because he din't like your gift" - the mind arguing inside - "He never liked any of my gifts remember what u gave him last time!!!"

So the big day was on monday and she knew she had the whole saturday and a whole sunday to go out and shop for him. 

Saturday morning - "Ohkay,I would just go to the mall and pick up the best watch out there - In all conditions he is gonna love it"

Saturday afternoon - "Its just too hot - I am not going anywhere in this sun - plus I need to look my best on Monday" :D

Saturday evening - "Oh god,I din't go anywhere no worries I still have tomorrow."

Sunday morning - "Sending him a text - Are gifts really compulsory ?"

And out comes the reply "No baby, that's fine, you don't need to do anything for us,I will do it,as always".

All the words were correct except the last two "As always" - Haha,Actually it was the right sarcastic message for her - because she never could buy anything nor could arrange surprises. The last two words were heart-peircing, as though someone just played dart on her heart.

She started messaging her friends - "What are the best things to buy?" and out came the stupid replies - watches, shirts, ties, even socks,cuff-links and everytime she used to see these messages - she used to think

                               

                                  "Ain't Unique, as he is"

Sunday afternoon - She just left the idea of gifting anything and her mood went sour thinking what would happen tomorrow. 

Sunday evening till sunday Night - she ignored her mind completely.

This time she did not even write him a poem just the way she did it every month on this date.

Guilt,frustation,confusion and a fear of upsetting him - all the thoughts just barged in her at the same time.

She consoled herself and her heart that she would go out on Monday afternoon as they were going to meet in the evening. 

Laziness had surpassed all the limits of whatever love she had for him :D

Monday afternoon, she knew her another weakness - she could never shop alone and she put all her blame on her besty - "Just because you were on leave all this week, I have not been able to buy anything for him." 

Her best friend was all smiles - she knew this had happened earlier too - and she tagged along. 

As they stepped the office building, she found a chocolate shop - she knew he loved chocloates to the core - there she went and found out bars written "Happy anniversary" - nothing interesting these are looking so stupid and they dont even customize it!!!

They left the shop and decided to just reach the mall - 42 degrees - blazing sun and damn this tension of the gift plus the 2- wheeler

                                                

            Ufff...love makes u do everything that u never want to.

First destination - Shop X - best watch they liked - 10K,omg 10K and what the heck if he does not like, next sunglasses - No,I dont know what sort of glasses he has already got - "Hero banke ghumna uski aadat hai" - so he must, he already,actually has a tons of them.

Shirts - Never - after the last experience of what she got him from mumbai!!!

She stood there. helpless as if lost - "I just don't love him enough to gift him something nice ?"

They left and went to Shop Y - same situation !!!

It wasn't she could not shell 10k.She just din't want - for the thought that - whatever he buys for her should be equivalent or more than what she buys for him - Too much Analysis. Her Usual: Paralysis-Analysis Mode.

She stood there. and closed her eyes - She could see him smiling,happy,free from negativities or tensions - and "Eureka!!!!" - she told her friend "let's go" and they hopped - the shop was about 20 mins drive from the mall. She din't reply to the numerous questions her besty was asking her and smiled to herself.

As they entered the shop, after carefully putting their sandals outside, they could sense the positiveness and the smell of the incense sticks!

Her Friend - what the heck are you going to buy from here ?

She told the person - "Uncle, can you show me some Rudraksh Mala!!!"

Her friend was stunned and so was she - Modern, yet traditional was her way.

Let that rudraksh be attached to his neck in such a way, that he can think about her everytime he touched it, that this rudraksh would make him more stable in life, will ward off negativities from him, will show him directions in life and will improve his health as well. She always wanted that nothing, nothing should make him feel sad, nothing should make him feel low and nothing should make him lose that smile. She was here, making her best attempt to create a circle of positive aura around and within him.

Never-the-less, that monday evening was the best - Dressed in red, she walked upto him with her high-heels, crossed her fingers and asked him to bow down - He din't mind and there it went - perfectly right around his neck - A real rudraksh mala with saat-mukhi rudraksh around it.

That was her check-mate. She won his smile forever everytime he felt it around his neck - he knew she was the best :-)

But not everyone have their Eureka moments on the right time and so if you are really a bechara or bechari, having a real trouble figuring out the right gifts for your loved ones,do not want to spoil your sandals from going shop to shop,do not want to use the sunscreen,do not want the pollution outside and still you care for your loved ones, love them to the core then - here is your one-stop solution http://www.badhai.in/ and sing to the tunes of "Badhai ho Badhai" :)

keep Clicking and Gifting - It's nice to light up someone's face with dimples.

*A gift turns into a treasure when the thought behind it gets really counted*


This post is a part of the contest at BlogAdda-The Largest Blogging Community of Indian Bloggers in association with Badhai.in

Moppet's Forever

                        

This post is a big WOW!!! by BlogAdda :)
                                  
"That's too revealing", Said he.

"Oh, Come on - You have gifted me this and you absolutely love me in this every time I have worn it - she retorted back.

"I did - but back then you were my girlfriend - today you are my wife." 

She stood stunned. 

Is this the same guy who had given her the freedom to be what she was ? Who just used to love and appreciate everything about her ?

Did the role of a husband made him so cold that he had started commenting on what she should wear and not wear?

5 years of an affair and blessings from their parents,they were married before an year.

But one whole year had changed a lot of things - She was a girl-friend earlier, today she is a wife. She had moulded herself into the role of wife just like water. Water has no shape - it takes the shape of the container and so is a wife - she has no identity - the wrapper of her husband and in-laws is her identity.

She used to think - Does a role change so many things - changes how a man or the society perceives a relationship ? Do men think in an orthodox manner even in this century? In a fast world - where they can have multiple girl-friends at the same time or step into extra-marital affairs in seconds and quit the love-nest anytime ?

She reached office - 'Yes, she had fought to continue working - because she wasn't among those who spend years to gain this position and quit everything in a second just because they become someone's wife' 

She had overheard a conversation, where the usual guys hangout was happening - "No Yaar, She is just better of as a girl-friend,she is not marriage-material." 

God damn it, What the heck was marriage-material ?

When a guy chooses or falls in for a girl - she needs to be the modern,happening types - the one whom they can flaunt before the so-called gang of theirs , She has to be intelligent and talkative with a blend of a friendly nature and a tinge of attitude and should be cheerful - fun-loving and get engaged to every activity of his.

Drinking is allowed and so is going late nights with him.

But as soon as the word "marriage" steps in - she is supposed to change her own self - the self he had fallen in love with once - her fun-loving attitude changes to a mature Wifey role - the one who "should not" be mixing with everyone else as everyone would think she does not have a character.. the one who should not be a part of all his activities - as now he needs "space" to be with his friends , the one who gives home and in-laws her priority just because she is now a wife. The one who cannot go out on night-outs just because it is not good for the daughter-in-law to move around at nights. 

She is forbidden to have drinks as people would "talk" about her.

Wasn't she earlier a daughter of someone ? Din't that thought come in your mind - that I am sneaking out a girl, who is a someone's daughter - Din't at that time society come into picture? Nope, because at that time FUN was important.At that time, she was a Girl-friend.

  Din't she have an identity earlier ?Din't she have her own image earlier ?

As she was going through the profiles for her brother-in-law, she overheard her mother-in-law speaking - "We want an educated girl, but we do not want her to cross the home fence". 

She flung the profiles aside and a volcano burst inside and she mumbled to herself - "So, why don't you say you need an educated home maid for your son ?"

She could not raise her voice - nor she could share this because today she was a WIFE!

She was right - there are millions of hypocrites out there who would want an educated girl - a girl who had studied till her masters and had given 16 years or more of her life into books just so as to she could stand in the kitchen and cook 50 rotis a day for the family.

Apparently, they wanted a girl - whom they could show-case to the society and say - "Yes, our daughter-in-law is so intelligent - we are proud that she has completed her masters with distinction"  and when the question pops up - "So,beta where do you work now ?"

There is an uncomfortable silence and happily the proud mother-in-law says - "Oh, why do we want her to work - my son is capable to feed the whole family including her..." 

Was she working only because she could earn? What happened to her identity? Was she born only to be known as someone's wife?What happened to her right to have fun?

If I had the power to change something, I would tamper and re-program this attitude of believing girls as puppets  and the belief that there are two types of girls - one who can be a girl-friend ONLY and the other who is a MARRIAGE-MATERIAL.

If I had the power to change something,I would change - that the world - especially the Indian society,should treat girls as human-beings and not some roles or characters or a puppet whose strings are in their hands and who can dress-up girls or women, mould them into new characters as and when they want. 

A part of the world is definitely changing for our own good, Just wishing You  belong to that part.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

High-heels

       He wondered - what was it with the High-Heels all the time ?

As she walks on the floor, it says tik-tik, tik-tik...and grabs attention from all the corners.

       But she knew why she wore them, why she loved them so much.

She wore them to reach to his heart when she hugged him - so that she could hear those heart-beats in her ears.

She loved to do that because she could hear her name in those beats.

If she din't, her ears would never reach to his heart, and he used to enjoy that - that extra effort of carrying those heels all day just for him.

She slipped on her heels,her ladder towards those heart-beats,with a heavy heart took those little steps towards the door that was going to be closed forever for her.

            It was the last time she would be hearing her name.

                It was the last time they would ever meet.

      It was the last time she would hug him and hear those heart-beats.

       It was the last time she wore her all time favourite High-heels.

Un-Talk

                                    

                       Conversations.Communication.Dialogues.

You and Me don't need dialogues. A dialogue needs to happen if we were two different people.

                                                            

            "We" can just live with Monologues because "We" ain't "Me" and "You".

                                          

We belonged to each other and became "ONE" since the day those Dimples shined and forced into making those Eyes Sparkle.

Yes, we don't need to talk to each other because we are still one. We can just communicate by talking to ourselves - We can have those silly monologues and express everything.

                                                        

                     A connection - A magic - with no hidden tricks.

No grudges.No expectations - Just your usual glimpses in front of my eyes, your name in my prayers and your voice ringing in my ears.

                    And an another disappointing,futile effort to Un-talk.

Waking up,now that September has ended

                      This post is a big WOW!!! by BlogAdda :)

31st December

Party.Party.Party. Cheers to the year gone by and more cheers to the year coming in to get hold of your senses,making you a year older and probably wiser. 

Atleast one milli-second, in the past year, You must have been waiting for 1st January to dawn upon so that you could start up with something new,something that you really wanted. Something that was wrapped up with a silly excuse of "I will start it from the 1st of January".

Those initial two weeks of January are always great - Nice winter,New dreams,New Resolutions and you trying to follow those each and every day.Taking steps towards that long,cherished goal.

The roadmap of the new year in front of you - the milestones marked with a different color and a deep,blissful smile when you tick mark in front of those listed goals and wishes 

And as days go by, you know its difficult for you to match up with your hard-work and your wish-list and as the months go by you are lost in the midst of your goals and desires.

You have lagged behind just because of you. You come up with a plethora of excuses that make you feel empty from the within. And a turmoil of anger gushing inside you,waiting to burst out as you cannot blame anybody,but yourself. 

By the time, September is ended - You realize you have just three more months for that next party, for the next resolutions and for your next wish list.

1st October-6:00 AM 

Damn, she thought.She took a glance at the mobile and checked the date again - It was indeed 1st October.

This year not a thing done. Running after relationships, running after applying jobs, running after home,running after the social visits,running after appraisals - Not a thing that had satisfied her, that has brought peace to her soul. 

Nothing that made a difference this year than what she was last year

.

It wasn't that she din't have a list, it wasn't that she din't know what to do - she had everything on the wish-list, on top of her mind.

And there were huge monsters in her that always won - The procrastination monster, the lazyness syndrome, the paralysis-analysis situation she always was in, The "I-will-start-from-monday" excuse or "I-will-do-it-on-the-weekend" lines. 

She used to think a lot, a lot that often made her paralytic. Her senses went numb and her heart beat profusely when she got confused. And when the thoughts of not achieving anything in life came in front of her - when she used to look into the mirror and not feel good about herself - that was the worst moment of her life. Because she was empty - without a name, without any fame.

Why did she wait so long ? Why wasn't she an action-maker - Why couldn't she make dreams achievable ?

It was a fact. Her dreams were simple and achievable - all she had to take the first step - Just wake up, to reach out to them.

Every morning from January to September, she just had the same cyclic thoughts - When do I get a new job ? When do I settle down with the man of my life? When do I add something up to my education ? When do I become more healthy ? When do I write something even better than yesterday ? 

                                   When do I quit living a life that is not worth me?

There was one more question still haunting her in the corner of her heart - Can I ever stop loving him?

She knew the answer - Never. She was random - and her random thoughts always had him somewhere.

She brushed aside all the thoughts and looked out of the window - She always wanted that she would have a room from where she can see the sun-rise - that gave her every positive atom she needed in her. 

                     She looked out and smiled - Waking up,Now that September has ended.                              

                     She knew she worked more fiercely when she was in a deadline.

Now was the time to pull up her socks and roll-up her sleeves,to re-arrange her priorities and to just kick herself. 

And now she had a deadline - 31st December 2012 - to figure out what 2013 would be like.

                       

                    She knew that 2013 will never be the same as what 2012 went. 

She is more stronger and more lovable that what she was in all these months.More Matured and more wiser.More beautiful and a lot more cuter. 

These were the things she had achieved all these months - she still was breathing and she still could look at the sunshine outside - She realized the world had not ended and she still had her chance to prove herself and achieve what she really wanted.

Her heart gave the best possible words - "Give out a kick to yourself and wake up, you have 3 more months to complete those unfinished moments which you have dreamt all these months."

Grab it out and Just do it - stop those cyclic thoughts in your stupid mind and get going - the worst is over and the best is yet to come.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

I wish someone told me

This post is a big WOW!!! by BlogAdda :)

I wish someone told me – Why is there so much emptiness without you?

"No,we cannot go ahead with this marriage."

"Why?"

"I don't know - I don't have a reason"

"Atleast tell me the reason."

"Let's just not discuss - we have had enough of them,I am tired saying the same things again and again"

"Yeh, But it’s a question of our life, our love"

 "Not ours anymore – it’s yours."

From a "WE", they were left with a "U" and a "ME".

He hung up. And She stood standing in the middle of her home terrace - froze to death.

How could he just give it up?

Flashback.

Morning 5:10 AM - Place- Borivali station.

A message beeped on her cell - I am here.

She looked at it again-Was he really?

She wondered - Did he really come so early in the morning and She quickly left her compartment to walk towards the train door.

There he was. Oops! With an instant reflex to her heart - Where was he all these years? Her eyes met those sparkling stars and She could not stop blushing.

He extended her hand and She gave a thought - Yes or No ?

There was no question of No - She did and he pulled her down on the station.

It was Bliss. She dint know what to say. He kept staring, he smiled and She fell in those dimples.

From the first call to the little sms-es, to the railway station, at home and then Juhu, to the Iscon temple, to the CCD, to Ramada, to the countless virtual encounters.. The witty lines, the humour, the care, the taunts, the rush of emotions, the happiness, the tears, the war to win him,the anger when She could not reach out to him, to the "Did you like my pictures?",to the recent one "Did you read my blog?" - Somehow, Her world started and ended between Him.

All these years, She had wanted him badly, so badly probably he never could have imagined.

She just wanted nothing from him. She just wanted to make him happy. To love him unconditionally, Every single milli-second, She used to think about him - What should She do to make him happy ? What should She not do, to not make him angry ?

She could literally feel a tinge in her heart, when She thought She could not reach him.

Dawn.

And today after all these years - he had given up. Given up without even telling her a reason, her fault.

She tries, She tried not to call him, not to message him, not to write those one-liners - but every time a thought came to her - She wanted him to be the first one to know. Every time She looked beautiful - She wanted him to see her.

Every time She wrote something - She wanted him to read it. Every place She went to - She wanted him. Its silly to pen down these emotions at this time - Yet She wanted to do it. She did not want to regret it and keep all these things within herself.

She did not know how many times She had cried, How many times the tears just rolled down and How many times She had been totally helpless. 

She wished this was just some infatuation but it wasn't and She knew that deep down. 

She did not want to confuse Him or make Him weak - for the first time, She wanted to be selfish and let Him know what goes on in her with his harsh words.

She wondered - How sometimes She just used to whisper his name out and smile to herself, how sometimes She used to just get a glow while thinking about him...How sometimes a thought popped in - does he think about me ?

How sometimes She used to listen to a song and then just imagine him...how sometimes She used to randomly sing some song for Him....How this journey became so memorable that She can remember every single moment of it.

How much She wanted to light up those dimples for Him....

How much She din't want to give up on him....

She had thought of Him as her life ,and now, he had given her an option to be just a part of her life..become "Just Friends" ,just to be his support or rather each other's support - Just be there like the countless people in their lives.

She thought to give this a try..Just be a regular update in his life - provide each other some details of their lives - and then in the background think - what if he was there, what if She was in my life....creating more confusions and more pain in their lives...we cannot change this character or role of what we have - She did not think this was even possible - because just looking at his number on her cell created a different out-of-the-world feeling....

The first thought that comes is "She belongs to him"

She can either LOVE Him completely or LEAVE Him completely. There is no middle way in here.

She never wanted to talk to him again , messaged him the same - 

That there is no point of talking to Him again as this is killing her even more.

After some hours, She had realized what would it be to read that message if She was in his place - and She felt shattered at the thought of it, thinking how could She hurt Him when She loved Him the most - how could She not support Him when He needed her the most. 

How could She just think of herself and how could She not bear this pain just for Him ?

And She had called Him - She just wanted to hear his voice - She dint know what to expect from Him but it was hard to hear from Him that He could forget her , that He could make a place for someone else in his life - out of uncontrollable situations, He had said this.

And She heard it - keeps ringing in her ears - that She will be nothing in his life anymore. She could just be an another friend in his life - that he wanted to be committed to someone else - He said it all because He wanted her to move on from Him, to think Him as some different role in her life - She was not sure if that was possible or not but She made up a decision to never trouble Him - to do exactly what He said to her - to lessen his hurt - She will do it .

She will always make Him happy without any expectations from Him.

She wished to meet Him once, to feel Him once, to believe that He belonged to her for atleast a day and create memories that She could carry within herself all through her life.

Yeh, She somehow doesn't think about him..She does not. She knows, She really does not..She just breathes him.

Tough, but She is focusing her energies in all the work She can do....She is trying to fool her heart, just the way a mom tries to divert her child's attention.

In the midst of all the chaos of waiting or just giving up, She just has one thought – “I wish someone told me why was he gone before I could love him completely ?”

She just wanted a reason – a reason, her fault, her mistake – That could change their lives into heaven.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

           This post is also for Getting Published At IndiBlogger

Volcanic Silence

Silence. But,Inside a volcano that was waiting to erupt anytime.

She had millions of things to tell him and she could feel he wasn't interested in listening to all those things.

That could pull him more towards her which he din't want now.

She wondered - there were so many like her in his life - What difference, if any, would make if she would tell him her heart out ? 

Would he feel the same lines again ? Would there be any respect for her feelings , her words ever in his life ? 

She decided not to speak at all. She could feel the anger inside but she loved him more than that and kept quiet. 

She could not speak anything after that. There was silence.

Togetherness after 382 days and there was more silence than ever. 

Loads to talk,but loads of thoughts that troubled her, mite be him too. 

She thought he might not trust her words, he might again think that she is flirting, that she is convincing him - she dint want him to think that way, because it wasn't true..

She meant it to be pure and true - but she dint know how to put it in words. She did not want to capture him, she wanted to make him free - free from all the confusions in his life from all the thoughts in his life -

she was helpless and he seemed too.

She dint want him to think that she used to use the same lines with all the guys, she wasn't that way.

Her dialogues might suggest something else to him but she thought he understood her - that those lines were for him and not for all.

He probably never understood her, he did not trust her.

Those dialogues were just witty lines which came up everytime she talked with him.

He thought there were too many guys behind her - but that wasn't the fact..She dint want to explain this to him because trust cannot be bought - it needs to be earned with time - and she had none. 

There were some mistakes she made - she opened up before him too fast , fast so that he misunderstood her to be the usual flirting gal. But it wasn't the fact - Time had passed and she could not change anything now. 

Dead again as ever. She did not know what to do, where to go, whom to talk. 

Why weren't things simpler ? Why was there pin-drop silence? Why did the eyes talk ? Why did the heart stop? 

Why are there too many questions ? Why are there no answers? Where were those dimples ? How could she bring them back ? Why was the volcano still inside her?

She wanted peace. She realized its just good to be friends ever again. Nothing else could be better. Nothing else could ever work out. 

Nothing else could bring a solution to this whole complication. 

Damn, friends ? What did that term mean now - The heart argued again and once again a Silent Volcano erupted creating a volcanic silence all around her.

Divine Magnetism

Flashback.

An unknown moment - appearing in front of her eyes.

From the corner of those dark,brown kajal-ed eyes, she can see his face, his dimples, as though they have been waiting for her look. 

She thought so. She believed so - her heart beat a little faster than usual as she recalled all the moments that she could actually never forget.

She closed her eyes - only to see his eyes staring at her unknowingly.

Vivid images of the black shirt kept on coming towards her.

It was like some kind-of black magic - she would keep on walking normally and then immediately stop as though someone grabbed her.

It was him again. She could not go leaving him ever. She prayed fervorously even after he was long gone.

She would open the morning paper to reach out to the horoscope section to read what his sun-sign said today and wished his day goes even better than yesterday. 

Why? she thought? How could she not hate him ? Why did she not have any reason allthough there were millions to do so.

And why that silly hope just din't die in her. Why was she so much not into someone else?

Damn, she thought. Why is there so much magnetism between him and her ?

She logged in her email account and she could see him in the list sometimes orange, sometimes green, sometimes grey - wondered why did she not delete him from there ?

Why was there still hope that one day she would ping him again just the way she randomly did it earlier - the best part was she never expected that he would do it.

She knew that - if she had to talk, it was always her - if he had to talk , then too it was her.

There was a signal to her heart - "Ping him" - because he will never do, he never did.

Don't ask why - he was that way - and she loved it.

And she was happy that way - he had set no expectations in her. It was her call to do things for him or not.

So she never expected from him and thus never got unhappy.

It was there right inside her till her soul - purity for him.

99% of the relations had a rule of give and take and her's was amongst the rest 1 % who really believed in the concept of only giving without any expecatations.

She did not want him to know what she felt, what she did, how she used to recite her name in between moments and smile to herself -

It was bliss for her and so she used to pen down her thoughts - in a way let them out from the inside of her.

But yes, She used to really wonder -

What was the divine magnetism between them ?

And there was faith - One day, she will have the answer.

Once again, he had captured her and left no way out.

Once more, she was on a path which had no destination but she loved this journey.
Once more, he proved himself a magnet.