I wish someone told me

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I wish someone told me – Why is there so much emptiness without you?

"No,we cannot go ahead with this marriage."

"Why?"

"I don't know - I don't have a reason"

"Atleast tell me the reason."

"Let's just not discuss - we have had enough of them,I am tired saying the same things again and again"

"Yeh, But it’s a question of our life, our love"

 "Not ours anymore – it’s yours."

From a "WE", they were left with a "U" and a "ME".

He hung up. And She stood standing in the middle of her home terrace - froze to death.

How could he just give it up?

Flashback.

Morning 5:10 AM - Place- Borivali station.

A message beeped on her cell - I am here.

She looked at it again-Was he really?

She wondered - Did he really come so early in the morning and She quickly left her compartment to walk towards the train door.

There he was. Oops! With an instant reflex to her heart - Where was he all these years? Her eyes met those sparkling stars and She could not stop blushing.

He extended her hand and She gave a thought - Yes or No ?

There was no question of No - She did and he pulled her down on the station.

It was Bliss. She dint know what to say. He kept staring, he smiled and She fell in those dimples.

From the first call to the little sms-es, to the railway station, at home and then Juhu, to the Iscon temple, to the CCD, to Ramada, to the countless virtual encounters.. The witty lines, the humour, the care, the taunts, the rush of emotions, the happiness, the tears, the war to win him,the anger when She could not reach out to him, to the "Did you like my pictures?",to the recent one "Did you read my blog?" - Somehow, Her world started and ended between Him.

All these years, She had wanted him badly, so badly probably he never could have imagined.

She just wanted nothing from him. She just wanted to make him happy. To love him unconditionally, Every single milli-second, She used to think about him - What should She do to make him happy ? What should She not do, to not make him angry ?

She could literally feel a tinge in her heart, when She thought She could not reach him.

Dawn.

And today after all these years - he had given up. Given up without even telling her a reason, her fault.

She tries, She tried not to call him, not to message him, not to write those one-liners - but every time a thought came to her - She wanted him to be the first one to know. Every time She looked beautiful - She wanted him to see her.

Every time She wrote something - She wanted him to read it. Every place She went to - She wanted him. Its silly to pen down these emotions at this time - Yet She wanted to do it. She did not want to regret it and keep all these things within herself.

She did not know how many times She had cried, How many times the tears just rolled down and How many times She had been totally helpless. 

She wished this was just some infatuation but it wasn't and She knew that deep down. 

She did not want to confuse Him or make Him weak - for the first time, She wanted to be selfish and let Him know what goes on in her with his harsh words.

She wondered - How sometimes She just used to whisper his name out and smile to herself, how sometimes She used to just get a glow while thinking about him...How sometimes a thought popped in - does he think about me ?

How sometimes She used to listen to a song and then just imagine him...how sometimes She used to randomly sing some song for Him....How this journey became so memorable that She can remember every single moment of it.

How much She wanted to light up those dimples for Him....

How much She din't want to give up on him....

She had thought of Him as her life ,and now, he had given her an option to be just a part of her life..become "Just Friends" ,just to be his support or rather each other's support - Just be there like the countless people in their lives.

She thought to give this a try..Just be a regular update in his life - provide each other some details of their lives - and then in the background think - what if he was there, what if She was in my life....creating more confusions and more pain in their lives...we cannot change this character or role of what we have - She did not think this was even possible - because just looking at his number on her cell created a different out-of-the-world feeling....

The first thought that comes is "She belongs to him"

She can either LOVE Him completely or LEAVE Him completely. There is no middle way in here.

She never wanted to talk to him again , messaged him the same - 

That there is no point of talking to Him again as this is killing her even more.

After some hours, She had realized what would it be to read that message if She was in his place - and She felt shattered at the thought of it, thinking how could She hurt Him when She loved Him the most - how could She not support Him when He needed her the most. 

How could She just think of herself and how could She not bear this pain just for Him ?

And She had called Him - She just wanted to hear his voice - She dint know what to expect from Him but it was hard to hear from Him that He could forget her , that He could make a place for someone else in his life - out of uncontrollable situations, He had said this.

And She heard it - keeps ringing in her ears - that She will be nothing in his life anymore. She could just be an another friend in his life - that he wanted to be committed to someone else - He said it all because He wanted her to move on from Him, to think Him as some different role in her life - She was not sure if that was possible or not but She made up a decision to never trouble Him - to do exactly what He said to her - to lessen his hurt - She will do it .

She will always make Him happy without any expectations from Him.

She wished to meet Him once, to feel Him once, to believe that He belonged to her for atleast a day and create memories that She could carry within herself all through her life.

Yeh, She somehow doesn't think about him..She does not. She knows, She really does not..She just breathes him.

Tough, but She is focusing her energies in all the work She can do....She is trying to fool her heart, just the way a mom tries to divert her child's attention.

In the midst of all the chaos of waiting or just giving up, She just has one thought – “I wish someone told me why was he gone before I could love him completely ?”

She just wanted a reason – a reason, her fault, her mistake – That could change their lives into heaven.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

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