The Heartache 2.0

I walked over myself and crushed my heart one more time to tell you, that I needed to step back. Although, the heartache knocks on me, every minute. 

I distract myself and pretend to be normal but the tingling feeling of this slight pain in the heart, never goes away. 

I wanted to see you and feel as though I felt you. 

You asked me if I was bored of you? 

Devastation engulfed me; as if you believed our connection was mere entertainment, not the soul-stirring symphony that I thought we have.

How do I tell you more clearly that my stomach still churns when I hear your voice and I feel a little wet when our eyes meet. 

You asked me if the obligation to talk is a stress? But, do you never realize that talking with you is my daily elixir, a potion that I could sip on everyday, to fill the void? 

My heart speeds up a little with the non-stop thinking about you, as though trying to catch a breath from running behind you. 

I think, My heart had an ache, when you said, you don’t know how you will feel, when I step away. 

Because, then why do I remember, all the feelings that I ever had, like waves washing on the shore, they engulf me, pulling me towards you. 

You had written well that everything goes into the background but looks like, we will end up there without each other. 

In some life, I hope to be yours, to be besides you and never not leave your side, where the foreground and background will be same.

For now, I hope you feel so much depth about me as much as I feel about you.

Do you? Will you? 

I hope I mattered a little in your daily grind. 

Did I ever? 

     Will you have a heartache just as I do? 

"With People"

Someday in this life or in a parallel life, you will have the time for me and hopefully you will make up for all the moments when I did NOT cross your mind. 

Because, you are the "nothing" that is on my mind, when someone asks me what I am over-thinking about. 

I wish you will make up the time that you spent "With People" and not on me. 

Because, I know, If I was in your place, I would have found the time to talk to you, unlike you.

I wish your "Ttyl" becomes "I want to talk with you now." 

Because, you are never my later, and have always been my now.

I wish I get a reply to every single question I have asked.

Because you always get an answer even before you ask.

I wish you shower your love when you can’t, because anyone can do, when they can. 

I have so much to give to you and nothing to receive but I guess, I am too much extra to ask for, for you.

Go find something less, because I deserve a lot more of you.

The sinking situationship

This labyrinth of emotions, the intertwining of waiting for you or giving up on you, landing in a so-called realm of "situationship." 

Where are we? Rather, Where am I for you? 

Just like a ship, climbing great heights and plunging to profound depths, why does my heart soar up and plunge down in disappointment, thinking it needs you in any form? How more painful can this all be? 

A text, a call or just the intent of you wanting me just the way I want you?  

In the whirlwind, when I can calm myself, I realize, I don’t really need you. 

It's a stark fact, a truth I can't deny. I can stand on my own, walk my path, and face the world without your presence. 

But, Only if you knew, that you shouldn’t let me face this alone. 

The sun will still rise, and the world will continue to spin. I don't need you for anything at all, and yet, here's the twist – I find myself needing you all the F****** time.

When you're absent, everything appears to be the same, but it's not. It's a mirage, an illusion of normalcy. 

In the depths of my being, there is a tempest, a storm that rages with waves as high as a tsunami. 

I wish you could see it, feel it, understand the turmoil that simmers within me.

But, like always, its not christmas that my wishes will be granted. It is halloween, so all I will get is ghosting. 

You will ignore everything that I write in plain text for you and walk away sooner or later.  

Will the situationship sink ? Your favourite word for me is no, but the answer is yes for this and like the past, I will never see the sea-shore, let alone feel it. 

Octobers

In everyday chaos of my life, I am reminded on how much power I always give you to break my heart into a million pieces. 

How much power you have, to always make me feel alive and then slowly kill me with time.

And, Congratulations,you out-do your own performance each time, as you compete with yourself on, how you can trample my heart better, each time, winning every single time.

It is October, the trees are changing their colors and I thought, you have an October too.

Unfortunately, I have had only one season of yours. 

De-compartmentalize Me?

Someday you will de-compartmentalize me and ask me how am I doing? And, I will tell you exactly how I am doing without you - Very miserable. 

May be, it is hard for you to believe that my love runs so deep, because such love is rare to find.

May be, you are better at compartmentalizing and locking me away, and I definitely am a loser in that sense.

Your dimpled smile replays everywhere, whether I close my eyes or not. 

That little blush you got, when I accidentally blurted out “Love you”. 

Damn, what are you? Why do you make my heart flutter at small gestures? 

Although, I shouldn’t expect anything from you because yeah, you have mastered the art of not fulfilling them. 

But, someday when you ask me how am I doing ? I will tell you, what a volcano of love I have for you and nowhere to erupt to. 

Someday, I will tell you, I don’t know if I can ever, lock and compartmentalize you again ?

And, someday I will tell you that you invade my thoughts, without my permissions, more than you will ever know. 

And, someday I will tell you that I keep on waiting for you.

And, someday I will tell you, you are the ingredient that fills up the void in me. 

And, that you are the dose of poison that makes me feeling alive. 

And, you are the reason, why I can pen down everything, that I cannot tell you. 

And, in some season, I will wish that someday you will stop compartmentalizing me.

The Leftover Love

What is it about this leftover love that never seems to be done? 

The Sun succumbs to the darkness each evening but this leftover love for you refuses to? 

Why do I have a part of you in me? 

And, why do I feel you have a piece of my heart with you? 

Why do all the lines of my poetry lead back to you? 

Why, when I cry a river, it flows towards you ? 

Can you tell me when will the leftover love for you be done? 

Because, this hurts like hell knowing I cannot have you. 

Can you please take all these leftovers with you while you go? 

Can I have a piece of me back from you? 

How do you manage to tame my fire and yet ignite it as the same time? 

You asked me: Why I don’t get goosebumps? How do I tell you that I am dripping wet thinking about you and goosebumps are too minimalist for me?

When do I get answers to everything I ask for and un-ask for ? 

Do you know that somedays I don’t know if I wait for you or try to forget you, making me stuck at both things, at the same time? 

Did you know that I have entangled myself in the spiral of addiction for you? 

Will you detangle me ever? 

I wonder, if you will ever know all that I have for you? 

I wonder, Will I ever know if you have any leftover love for me, just the way I have for you? 

Do you know I have been falling for you again not knowing where I would land? 

The Blur

I tried to capture the fog through the lens of my phone, but all I could see was the Blur. 

Why not me?

You ask me why do I stare at you? 

I do, I feel I just want to keep staring at you, like someone would stare at the orange moon on a full-moon night. 

I try to find a little bit of love for me in you, like someone trying to find constellations in the sky. 

I try to find some answers that have no questions with it. 

I keep looking at you so that I can dream all about you later. 

I look at you and wish I could shower you with all the love in me that I ever had for you. 

I look at you and wait for you to shower all the love you had for me, but, wait, did you ever have any for me ?

I keep looking at you, because I wonder, if I ever will be able to look at you like that again? 

I look at you and still wonder, what would have life been with you? 

You don’t speak much, so I try to read your eyes. I try to follow your breath to see if it has my name on it? 

You ask me why do I stare at you? 

I ask, why not you ? 

I still ask, why was it not me? 

One Sunday..

I am in the grocery aisle..I wish you were on the shelf, so I could pick you up and check you out and take you home with me.

****

You said you make great eggs. You don’t know how crazy I am for all the egg recipes, infact eggs are my weakness. I had to make an omlette today, allthough it wasn’t on the menu. My heart said so, How does omlette and Aloo paratha sound to you? 

Who said you can only make things that are supposed to be on the menu? 

Who said I should follow the rules? 

Who said you should not break any? 

Can you break a rule for me ever? Because, I can, a million times to be with you. 

And, one day you could make a sunny side-up in the shape of a heart for me, please? 

And, I could devour you with them in my lazy girl pajamas on a lazy sunday morning? 

Ah, the could’s and the should have been’s. 

****

You posted a pic and that is not mine. It looked as though I had seen a STOP sign when I was on 100 in the 65 zone. 

I put the brakes and jolted from the inside. 

****

Lazy sunday afternoons, a little rain in the forecast, Fall coming soon, chai with extra adrak in the making. I hear you calling my name. 

Do you think I will cocoon myself in the yellow comforter watching the rain from my bed or will I get drenched in the rain? 

Rain and you go back years ago. But, it feels just like yesterday. 

Have you ever felt the rain in early Fall?

Have you ever felt the way I feel for you? 

****

Clips of the day

 When you aren’t around but you still are around. 

I have been washing away every possible thing in the laundry room today, thinking I can wash away your thoughts. 

I could not. What a thunderous shitshow. I walk, I stop. I close my eyes and see you. I open my eyes and still see you. 

****

The bedsheets are crumbled under your thoughts. The bed remains unmade. Will this straighten out ever?

Can I strip the bed out to see if I can strip off the feelings for you from me? 

**** 

On an another note, Can I have some bubbly champagne today to celebrate my lonely satin sheets?

******

I might have written about gravity before but here It is again, because I feel that gravitational force one more time. Or, it never left. 

Can we slow-dance together and slowly lip-lock and never leave each other ? 

Why do I feel so alive when I write about you? 

******

You, sundowner. I saw the bottle said 5.5% and you asked, how am I drunk already? Little did you realise, its not the bottle, its you. 

Someday I will look at you without guilt, because you will be mine. 

Mine, forever and may be, I will not have to stay miles away from you or from your touch. 

****

Date night

Did I tell you I can write about the three letter word that everyone wants but no one wants to talk about out loud?

Your eyes might lit up or you might be in awe or in utter shock or dissappointed. 

Do you always think what will the world say? Or for even once do what you really wanted to do? 

I couldn’t figure out, just like the countless other things about you, but did you for a moment think why I should not write about it?

On the airport last weekend, I saw a sign called Rebels make it happen. I wish you were the Rebel in my life.

 

A full moon night, with a burning cigarette in hand, three drinks down and high, Can I Stand in your balcony looking over the city lights, with my hot pink satin robe on, my hair down, kiss-ready red lips and my eyes wet, to drown you down a little? 

As I see the cig burn, I feel a little fire in me, thinking about you. 

And, may be you will call my name from behind, to ask if I needed some wine with it. Hmmm..my name on your lips..creates a “zafraan” in me.. 

I gestured with my kohl eyes - “I want you” 

You flashed your dimples but did not come anywhere near me. 

You have this little arrogance in you, everytime I see you. 

I took the last puff in, blew it out in the city’s smoke. It blended in, just the way I was about to blend into you. You knew I would come to you. No matter what. I always did. I was dying to come to you. 

I stubbed out the cig. Walked towards you. 

You in your black tshirt and boxers lying on the couch, pretending I did not exist. 

I saw your whiskey, I saw you. 

I could not resist both of you. I gulped it down and slumped to the ground, near your feet. 

You were looking at your phone because you knew I would come. I always did. 

I was a little offended with the piece of ignorance that was served to me, so I pulled the strings of my robe. 

You tried to take a peek and our eyes met. 

Did I start a little fire in you? Or not yet? 

You bent down to gulp the last whiskey drop from the lip-stained glass and carried me over your shoulders. 

    

     Did my robe fall yet? 

     Why do you think I will remember?

Because, you put me in a trance with you. 

Did you throw me on the bed? Did you ignore the imperfections of my body yet? 

The soft moon light coming from the balcony, straight on the bed turned us into love seeking animals quickly. Did I say Love or Lust? I don’t care, as long as you are involved. 

Oh! How much I missed you touching me so deep! Your lips on mine, our tongues clashing into each other like the waves of the sea. 

Did I feel my heart beating? I wanted you! All over me. Over and Over again. 

You sensed that and made me beg a little for you. 

You moved away, I pulled you closer. 

You licked me on my neck and I could feel a little thunder in my body. 

I din’t know if you were mine or not but my body din’t care in the moment.

Did I lit a fire in you or not yet? 

To be continued.. 

Cold mess 2.0

This is repetition. But, this is also being drunk in you over and over again. This is also being high without the weed. 

What is it about you that makes me go weak in my knees?

What felt like a million years ago is now fresh as pasta made from scratch with a hint of neat vodka and on- the-rocks rum mixed together. 

I am reverbing a slow death with you, so, will you please come and move my ruffled hair from my face and maybe I might not stop you. 

Can you hold me in a way that I cannot go? And, maybe I will give in?

Can you crush me against you so that I can crumble into a million pieces for you? 

Can you stay in me forever to amplify these ripples in me?

OR 

Can you go away again ?

 

“I cannot stop thinking about you” sounds cliché but that is what my apple watch heart notifications say. 

Should we feed the f****** fire 

or douse it off before it explodes? 

I know the answer and it sucks because I am on a path to destroy myself with you, all over again. 

Did I become a cold mess version 2.0 already ?

 

What Women Want - Unlocked

To seek attention from one to many, to want to flirt and not want to flirt, to commit and to be free, to travel and netflix-chill, to wake up early and sleep in late, to go on adventures and remain safe at home, to cook and to be taken to lazy girl brunches, to long showers and unshowered days, to tea in snowy days and wine on warm nights, to dress up in sequins and lounge in pajamas, to curl the hair and don messy-buns, to grocery shopping and instacarts, to cupcakes and green salads, to feel happy and to feel in vain, to dance and to shavasanas, to be enticed upon and remain fiercely loyal, to feel crumbled and put together back again, to red lipsticks and unkissed dry lips, to be a boss lady and to surrender.

To flowers and chocolates, to surprises and shocks, to chess and ludo, to fiction and reality.

To feeling gut butterflies and springs in feet, to constantly worry and think F*** that, to caring and not giving a s***.., to picking up the call and declining it, to always texting first and leaving on unread..to pray and to cuss..to be bold and be scared, to be independent and yet be chauffeured, to be a rebel and to be a dutiful lady, to be a free spirit and to be a butterfly yet cocoon herself. To writing and to being read to, to endless cups of tea and being coffee-less.. to pour wine or being poured to!

To be unread and re-read a million times, to be silent and be chirpy all the time, filled with void and pumped in love, to unknown mood swings and known issues..to footprints in snow and being sun-tanned. 

To drunk nights and sober games, to dance like no tomorrow and wiggle carefreely on the floor..

To not have to decide if dal-makhani is better or punjabi kadhi should be devoured on the buffet. To have both served on the plate without the guilt!

To dampen the fire, douse the flames and to light it up. 

To receive soft, caring, healthy love and be aggressively, passionately loved. 

To be given up too soon and to be pursued forever.

To each on their own, but we eventually find out what we really want.

To having it all.. to women who want to have it all.

                       Embracing the AND and Navigating the OR.