Volcanic Silence

Silence. But,Inside a volcano that was waiting to erupt anytime.

She had millions of things to tell him and she could feel he wasn't interested in listening to all those things.

That could pull him more towards her which he din't want now.

She wondered - there were so many like her in his life - What difference, if any, would make if she would tell him her heart out ? 

Would he feel the same lines again ? Would there be any respect for her feelings , her words ever in his life ? 

She decided not to speak at all. She could feel the anger inside but she loved him more than that and kept quiet. 

She could not speak anything after that. There was silence.

Togetherness after 382 days and there was more silence than ever. 

Loads to talk,but loads of thoughts that troubled her, mite be him too. 

She thought he might not trust her words, he might again think that she is flirting, that she is convincing him - she dint want him to think that way, because it wasn't true..

She meant it to be pure and true - but she dint know how to put it in words. She did not want to capture him, she wanted to make him free - free from all the confusions in his life from all the thoughts in his life -

she was helpless and he seemed too.

She dint want him to think that she used to use the same lines with all the guys, she wasn't that way.

Her dialogues might suggest something else to him but she thought he understood her - that those lines were for him and not for all.

He probably never understood her, he did not trust her.

Those dialogues were just witty lines which came up everytime she talked with him.

He thought there were too many guys behind her - but that wasn't the fact..She dint want to explain this to him because trust cannot be bought - it needs to be earned with time - and she had none. 

There were some mistakes she made - she opened up before him too fast , fast so that he misunderstood her to be the usual flirting gal. But it wasn't the fact - Time had passed and she could not change anything now. 

Dead again as ever. She did not know what to do, where to go, whom to talk. 

Why weren't things simpler ? Why was there pin-drop silence? Why did the eyes talk ? Why did the heart stop? 

Why are there too many questions ? Why are there no answers? Where were those dimples ? How could she bring them back ? Why was the volcano still inside her?

She wanted peace. She realized its just good to be friends ever again. Nothing else could be better. Nothing else could ever work out. 

Nothing else could bring a solution to this whole complication. 

Damn, friends ? What did that term mean now - The heart argued again and once again a Silent Volcano erupted creating a volcanic silence all around her.

Divine Magnetism

Flashback.

An unknown moment - appearing in front of her eyes.

From the corner of those dark,brown kajal-ed eyes, she can see his face, his dimples, as though they have been waiting for her look. 

She thought so. She believed so - her heart beat a little faster than usual as she recalled all the moments that she could actually never forget.

She closed her eyes - only to see his eyes staring at her unknowingly.

Vivid images of the black shirt kept on coming towards her.

It was like some kind-of black magic - she would keep on walking normally and then immediately stop as though someone grabbed her.

It was him again. She could not go leaving him ever. She prayed fervorously even after he was long gone.

She would open the morning paper to reach out to the horoscope section to read what his sun-sign said today and wished his day goes even better than yesterday. 

Why? she thought? How could she not hate him ? Why did she not have any reason allthough there were millions to do so.

And why that silly hope just din't die in her. Why was she so much not into someone else?

Damn, she thought. Why is there so much magnetism between him and her ?

She logged in her email account and she could see him in the list sometimes orange, sometimes green, sometimes grey - wondered why did she not delete him from there ?

Why was there still hope that one day she would ping him again just the way she randomly did it earlier - the best part was she never expected that he would do it.

She knew that - if she had to talk, it was always her - if he had to talk , then too it was her.

There was a signal to her heart - "Ping him" - because he will never do, he never did.

Don't ask why - he was that way - and she loved it.

And she was happy that way - he had set no expectations in her. It was her call to do things for him or not.

So she never expected from him and thus never got unhappy.

It was there right inside her till her soul - purity for him.

99% of the relations had a rule of give and take and her's was amongst the rest 1 % who really believed in the concept of only giving without any expecatations.

She did not want him to know what she felt, what she did, how she used to recite her name in between moments and smile to herself -

It was bliss for her and so she used to pen down her thoughts - in a way let them out from the inside of her.

But yes, She used to really wonder -

What was the divine magnetism between them ?

And there was faith - One day, she will have the answer.

Once again, he had captured her and left no way out.

Once more, she was on a path which had no destination but she loved this journey.
Once more, he proved himself a magnet.

Lost

She walked upto him. He did not see her. 
She tried holding his feet with her hands.He did not feel her.

She closed her eyes and began reciting his name.He did not hear her.

Since the past 25 years, from the age of 3, She used to take his name - every morning and every night - every second- she used to have an in-depth conversation with him. 

She always felt his need beside her no matter what she did. 

But today he was away from her - she was lost and he had forgotten about her.

She tried to search him.She looked everywhere and her heart pined for him.

In vain , She opened Facebook and typed in the search box "GOD".

Darkness

She closed her eyes.She wanted to withdraw herself from the thoughts. It din't work. 

You close your eyes so that you cannot see the world, in a process of thinking, that no one is watching you. 

She was at a cross-road. She took two steps ahead and stopped. She looked at the left direction, thinking - would this direction work? 

She stopped and moved back. She turned back...and walked that way - Stopped again thinking - Why would I go back again ?

There is only one way - the Right direction. She turned to the right and started walking there. 

She had no goals, no aims left. She just walked. 
Everyday,she did walk.Though she had no plans,she continued walking. 

Everyday she had the same thoughts - What to do, where to go, whom to talk, whom to trust ? She was just herself.

She choose to trust, to have faith - that - for one god damn time - she will have a good time in life. 

She will have a chance to shower some love around. All she wanted was love - and spread Love.

But life wanted to give her something else - always and forever - DARKNESS.

She waited, waited patiently. 

But there was darkness, she wanted to open her eyes to see light - but all she could feel was dampness and darkness. 

They said she would have someone right for her soon. "Soon" - did "Soon" just change its definition ?

The people around her felt she was arrogant and had attitude - Deep down, she knew - it was not true.

She had layers around her - which she thought would keep the unwanted people away from her. 

It took time for her to realize, that, that what made her look mysterious - that was what created the DARKNESS.

                           A voice called her again - She tried to ignore it again.

Rain-Drops

              There is a connection between you and the rain.

                     

                        Unexpected and Immense Bliss.

 

She cuddled herself in the blanket, let loose her random thoughts, dream and dream hearing the Pitter-Patter of the rain - feeling complete, even though everything is missing - she is at peace - Loving the sound of sprinkling drops all over - the frogs croaking - the sound of the wind.

 

                               Reminds her of you.

 

She wakes up with the noise of the raindrops, wishes to sleep those extra ten minutes before she is ready to rock the world. She dreams about the best things in the world with that background noise and feels bliss - smiles and thanks the heavens for the beautiful things around her.

 

Though, everything she wanted is not around her - she is blessed that she does not have those things which she never wanted.  

She pushes herself out of the bed - because it's time to prove herself again.

               

                A new day - new sunshine - same thoughts.

                              

"How do I still make Myself better and beautiful ?" A voice said - "I will".

 

She smiled.Looked into the mirror - opened her dark brown eyes.

Her Eyes had a real sparkle and anyone could just go deep down. She was proud of them - becase they spoke to anyone who could read them.

                         

                        Scintillating and Seductive.

 

She adjusted her fringes in front of her head, tried to tie-up her hair and let them loose again. Gave a wicked smile, thinking - who's next?

 

The next second - she knew who it was - there was no NEXT. It was him still. She made herself better for him - Allthough she din't care whether she belonged to his thoughts anymore. She made sure she was perfectly dressed, the perfect face,the perfect skin and the minute details of the nail-polish.                      

 

              She din't know him well - but she knew he loved perfection.

 

He is never going to see her - never going to talk to her - They lived miles apart and still she could feel him beneath her.

 

She loved the rain-drops more than the rain. Only the lucky ones, can feel and see the rain-drops on their eyes and smile in the rain. The others are happy just by watching the rain go down on the ground.

 

           But, there is a difference between the rain and the rain-drops. 

 

Enter - You can always Love a person truely until and unless you don't know them INSIDE-OUT.You can fall in love with the RAIN-DROPS only when you can feel them - in the shadows of time, under the shades of comfort - its rain - its ordinary water.

         

             And, a BITTER truth - that rain does not belong to you.

 

 

Hide - N - Seek

Ever played - Hide N Seek ? How is it when your turn comes to search?

The time when you close your eyes and think whom would I get first ? The thoughts who is that I can get hold of ? The racing heart beats what if somebody hits the tree and I have to take my chance again ?

What if they play a prank on me and just go home and I keep searching all day long...

And its even more enticing on the other end - You got to hide yourself and also make sure that you want the opponent to take his chance again.

 

You make sure you are hidden from those thoughts - that they never should ever appear in you. And like a lightning effect - they came to seek you again - you ran, tried to hide yourself again and failed and they won - with a cunning smile - telling you "I will get hold of you every time"

 

Its the same feeling - You thought you have outgrown out of it - You diverted your mind towards a million other things or people - started your favourite hobby classes,started meeting new people, pushed yourself to improve your personality, dumped yourself in tons of work - focussed on moving ON...

All of a sudden - in between all the midst and chaos of moving on with the new things in life - your heart has a pain - you close your eyes and all you can see is his face, his eyes, his smile - his looks - no matter how bad things turned you still remember that first look when your eyes met - how many million dreams you just had flowing in your heart.

 

You still take his name and sleep - you still in between the random thoughts of yours - can see his thought in between your brain cells -

You try to bring up hatred in yourself for him - you try to think all the negative thoughts about him - and you LOSE - coz he is still inside you - he never went - Your brain focussed on the million other things you treated it to - but your heart wanted nothing of those...

You still make efforts to stop those tears running all the way down to your cheeks and lips - and at the end , you feel you failed again to overcome him.

 

How many times were you truely happy and at peace with the other replaced things or people ? Even once - I can bet not even half a time.

 

It is like the hide n seek game - First you try to find the right person - you wish you get hold of him immediately so that you don't have the pressure of finding other people and once you get hold of the person - you hide yourself from him - from being sought.

 

                                   Time to Hide, to be sought or just QUIT ?

 

Green-Eyed

How is it to see somebody wear your dream dress, seeing someone on your dream travel location, seeing somebody's bank balance grow incredibly than yours, seeing someone who belonged to you now belongs to someone else
 - How is it to feel that so called term - "ENVY".

No matter how many efforts you have made, you have not made it to the place you believed you should be -
You look within yourself and list out all the possible excuses that came in between you and your dreams.

Probably, at times - you never wanted those things badly enough. So badly that you could get them.
They were in your life as "OPTIONS" -  Options with conditions like "if" , "but", "And" , "Or"
The position you are in, is the position you always wanted.
You are here because you had a set of conditions, because you had some sequential incidents to occur, where in if one incident did not occur, you kept waiting for it to happen - instead of moving on or taking the next step. And after a long,long wait you ended up to be in the same place as now you were used to your comfort - the comfort zone topped with the icing of laziness.

Random thoughts, the struggle to make each day happening and new - the patience to see - "today is my day" without even having a list of what should be in the day. Small attainable things become a far-away sight because there is no passion to achieve long-term goals - there is no spark, no zeal and you are living like the dead.

That's the time, you need to pick up urself - pick up each piece carefully and remember each moment of life is so very precious - each second can be made beautiful - if you wished, if you dreamt - dreamt passionately without conditions.

How would it feel to override the term - "ENVY" with the term "COURAGE"... Muster up the courage - so that the green color appears in someone else's eyes instead of your's.