Un-Love

Probably, we are used to the feeling of people leaving us in the middle of the path  from time to time.
They come un-announced and leave un-announced and between that melodramatic era of the so-called togetherness, you have made sure that they feel they have the best of the world...
You have made sure that they cannot get any more lucky....
and made sure that nothing ever can go wrong with them.
And all of a sudden there is a storm, that disturbs the shore...and whoop..they leave....
There have been milli-seconds when they have been precious to you..they make a space in the most neglected organ of your body - the heart....making it beat for them....and they choose to go heartless.
This is even less pain, the actual pain erupts when you are left with no reasons...U question them in and out and they do not have anything to reply...and then this feeling of being thrown in the trash is even more worse when you do not even know what made you so useless and so un-important in their lives.


After numerous failing attempts of thinking day and night of what really is wrong, you wake up from the fallen decision of yours, to make an effort to perfect yourself...
You keep on struggling to get the best out of you, you keep on walking towards a path with an unknown destination in mind,your thoughts turn to the road of achieving perfection in unknown areas...And you did this even when they were with you, but this time the whole center-point of your life is changed.
Earlier it was them and now its for "URSELF"
.
And they say, we tend to become selfish - No one,I suppose is born selfish - they have been forced to look only towards themselves by the world...They had immense love and happiness within themselves enough to light up the world...and that light was smashed in a way that they built themselves a fear around them, a boundary within themselves to not let anyone in.


In the midst, of the turbulence of emotions within themselves of loving others or loving oneself,they lose the directions and end up with "UN-LOVE" - where you cannot "HATE" them and nor do you have the rights to "LOVE" them.


And yes, this is that time of your life when you want happiness for them beneath the fortifying anger against the world.

Thought.

There is a thought every second - for some it might be at every millisecond - good ones,bad ones,crazy ones, wierd ones, serious ones and some actual real thoughts that keep on plunging in your mind and heart both at every nano second.

My thoughts revolve around "Yeh,some day everything is gonna fall in place"- some day, some time of life I will have myself fulfilled with joy and bliss and some moment I will live truly.
Live without restrictions and constraints, live without dependencies, life which would be in a state - where I do not have to depend on external happiness and just be fulfilled within myself.

And sometimes, I wash away those thoughts saying it's almost next to impossible to cater satisfaction to our minds and hearts.
Our wish-list never seem to end. Our ambitions grow daily.Our thoughts change daily,depending on the environment with which we surround ourselves with.
Probably our thoughts are not our own, they grow with an impact of other people or situations.
Our Eyes have been placed in such a way that we can just look at people's actions and behaviours, their homes and bank-balances, their posts and those happy pictures posted out there.
Wish, we had the eyes to look within ourselves, to improve ourselves, to have the courage of making our weaknesses into strength and those ears to listen to ourselves rather than people's talks and comments.

How I wish to be at peace within myself, to please people without hurting myself, to get rid of every negative emotion inside me and live a life that is full of bliss.
How I wish there is a life where I can say "Now is my time".
How I wish I was no more a puppet that's been handled by time and luck.
How I wish I stop giving a damn and struggle myself to come out and shine in the world.

What would it be, if I stopped making the efforts to excel myself and try to bring perfection in every thing I do ?
What would it be, if I stopped pleasing people and make them happy ?

Happiness in true sense - is hard to find and harder to digest.
From moments to thoughts, my mind wanders in search of the real "I do not give a damn of what you think of me"

4 Letters.

And you thought it was in movies, in short stories, in novels, even in high school text books...You thought it would never touch you, you thought how can people just get into real complications...how can such a mess occur just by looking at each other , just with that one sight, just with that one phone call, just with that one wink, just with that one smile..How some silly conversations could make you think of that person day and night - how you would try to do your best to please that person - atleast not make them unhappy....

You thought this was UNREAL...until it struck you - You never even thought that one second, one call, one message, one meeting could change your life..could make things go upside-down in you, could make you beg inside, could break you so much and yet make you strong at the same time.

That one incident would give you a new life...new thoughts, new feelings, new emotions, bring out the hidden you inside you, the craziness inside you, the wierdness inside you, you long for that care, you can start noticing the hidden likeness behind the anger, you start demanding, commanding and bring out the child in you back.

You want to tease and talk at lengths on topics you never thought you would even have to discuss..you  begin to question and don't feel upset when you have to answer numerous or even countless unnecessary questions.

Those once so-called lovey-dovey silly songs now seem to be just made for you and time seems to go damn slow when you are far from them. You can now advice or take advice even though you know what to do and when to do and every single move of yours has to be updated.

You pray, you ask blessings and you silently wish "BE MINE" , "BE MINE" and hope your prayers,your wishes don't go unanswered this time. You dream your daily routine, your every second of your coming life with that one person and just wish no matter what I just want this to happen.

And now, as you are reading this(single,married,dating,divorced- any status), you are just thinking of that one person you have always wanted, you thought that is your soul's mirror-image, you thought - That's her or that's him... then pat your backs because now even you have been touched by that infection -LOVE.

And wait, nothing is so rosy as it seems there is an another part to this - "UNLOVE".

Guilty Pleasures.

There is a culprit in imperfection - it is a guilty pleasure.
Leave things the way they are, creating an imperfect environment around you, trailing behind is, an ample amount of lazyness and the next thing when you wake up from your addiction to imperfections, is the giant monster of guilt building up in you, leading to an another negative emotion - Anger.

Anger not towards anybody is so hurting than towards you. When you angry on someone, you can blast them with cuss words or just have a cold war with them - but anger for yourself creates an havoc inside you.

Breaks you to pieces - How can I just be so lazy or so imperfect ? Where is the little clean angel in me gone?
One negative emotion leading to another an then to another belittling your confidence to pieces.

Happens when you decide to start that new fitness diet - One day - perfect, second day - perfect, third day - a bit lazy,fourth day- a bit more, fifth day - about to quit and the sixth day - you quit that fitness regime - The evil monster won and you let it win.

That relationship - where you knew, you didn't have a Destination - Yet you move on with that person - creating a surge of emotions for both of you.
You hit it off instantly with that person, making you want more and more, like that little child craving for pieces of choclates everytime he sees the wrapper.
You had turned deaf ears to your loved ones and you just wanted to walk on the path without any destination because the journey itself was so beautiful or probably there was a bit of hope that someway down the line a destination would build up. 

You make up your mind so hard to start,to work towards your desired wish and that giant monster in you wins.
This does not happen once or twice - this happens everytime because our desired wish is not so passionate or strong like the giant monster.

Temptations rule your mind - the decision whether to do it or not is always won on the strong base of the temptation.
You know you are going to face evil consequences and still you go ahead and push yourself to that tempting wish of yours - to satisfy the giant monster in you.

Life would never have been confusing or on the cross roads if you always know to rule out your temptations. If you always want things straight and never challenging, you would never push yourself to the giant monster,Instead you will find out ways to feed the little angel in you.
But pleasures are pleasures - temporary yet satisfying and those lead you to path of negative emotions.
There comes this free life - a free day, where you do everything the giant monster tells you to do - you believe its your life - you have full rights to make fun from it - but at the end, do we really know whether it was worth it ?