Freeze-D

Until recently, She feared everything.Fear to take new steps,Fear to walk away far, Fear to try something new, Fear to travel alone,Fear to apply for new jobs, Fear to attend interviews - because she was used to WIN.

She always wanted to win, no matter what. And most of the times she never tried because she knew she would fail.

She could accept everything except failure.She was happy - Good education,Good family, extremely adorable friends and someone she loved to the core. 

God wanted something else for her. She had to quit her comfort zone and do the things she never did. And there he let the most prized possession of her to leave her behind,he left without a word - She was shattered.

Shattered to the core, broke to an extent that she dint knew if she could get back to life.God still wanted something else for her. She had to pull up herself from everything and start afresh. That was not the end of everything. He was nothing.

Nothing at all. There was much more in life to do than sit and crib for someone who had no value to anything.
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As she clicked on the "horoscopes" app on Facebook (this provided a guarantee to her,that the mystery of her life would soon get solved) - she could read the lines "You can do anything if you put your mind into it".
What stops her, what pulls her back? What makes her lazy - its more of a paralysis-analysis situation. It takes long to take a new step - fearing you mite be out of the comfort and reach to a place where there is no return.

She knew there are no full-stops once you take a step. You always have a way, if you are ready to step up.

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It was nearing an year when she had decided to give it all up.
But something, something just kept coming to the surface, to her heart, she could not just let it go.

Irrespective of seeing other guys forcefully - her heart was stuck there as though it was more stronger than the "fevicol jod".   She still believed she could make it work. She needed nothing,nothing from him. Just a bit of communication everyday or atleast once a week. Just to make sure he was well, he was happy. Deep down, she knew he wasn't.

She had written this a million times - how she felt for him, how she still feels his warm hug when they met after months, how she could feel those "moments", Even if she din't have him all, she could feel him walking beside her.
She would have simple monologues to herself which she felt were dialogues, she knew no communication is needed, if they were near to each other. But things were different, they were far which made everything stop for her.

Sometimes, it brings the shit out of her..she feels vulnerable,breakable at any moment and yet she has to bring herself together and start walking.

She thinks it happens in movies - let go the person you love and he will come after 5,8,10 years! she wondered would that happen to her.
She cannot connect to anyone else till she has him in her soul.
Her mind told her a zillion times to stop going behind him - who listens.
She doesn't, She doesn't want to. Because its for the heart, she lives.

And it has nothing, but love for him. She stopped judging him long back, stopped hearing to anyone who advised her to look for other guys. She wasn't sure if he thought so much about her just the way her every nerve did. But she really din't care. She never expected any love, any response till the time was right for him. She just wanted him to know, some day - that there is someone really on this world - who loves him un-conditionally-without expectations.

They said - this is not possible. Everyone loves for a reason, for convenience, for making oneself happy. Here she was in love with him without expecting, without reasons, and there was no convenience for her.

Occasionally, she would ping him and there would be no responses. She had to take the guts out of her to make a call. Fearing, he would never pick up.

Terrible moment - when all you want to hear is a voice and nothing else. The feeling of love still becomes more stronger for her and surpasses that feeling of being ignored.

As she lays in her bed, thinking - what must he be thinking. He wants her to move on so she could have a happy life.
She thinks to try harder so that "they" could live a happy life.

Live together, laugh together, crack jokes, pass on those witty comments, cook for him, take care of him and all this with minimal conversation.

Somehow she believed - they don't need to speak. Everything would just happen as though their brains and hearts were linked.

Sometimes she just wishes, to cuddle with him and talk nothing. Nothing at all and still feel that was the happiest conversation they had. She knew there was a connection and this was a testing time.

It frightens her if this is all false. But her heart still tells her to keep holding on to him.No matter what he does, she is still there - hanging on, for nobody, but him.

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In between all the chaos of the mind and its million thoughts in a second - She knows, There is more to LIFE and yet holds on to a place where she started of.
Those eyes had met for a reason and the reason is not known yet - she wants to stand there, till she knows what is the magic with them.

Till then, she will hold her hands only with herself and stay freezed. She doesn't know till what time - but till the time her heart gets knocked again.
                                  Again - only by him.