Green-Eyed

How is it to see somebody wear your dream dress, seeing someone on your dream travel location, seeing somebody's bank balance grow incredibly than yours, seeing someone who belonged to you now belongs to someone else
 - How is it to feel that so called term - "ENVY".

No matter how many efforts you have made, you have not made it to the place you believed you should be -
You look within yourself and list out all the possible excuses that came in between you and your dreams.

Probably, at times - you never wanted those things badly enough. So badly that you could get them.
They were in your life as "OPTIONS" -  Options with conditions like "if" , "but", "And" , "Or"
The position you are in, is the position you always wanted.
You are here because you had a set of conditions, because you had some sequential incidents to occur, where in if one incident did not occur, you kept waiting for it to happen - instead of moving on or taking the next step. And after a long,long wait you ended up to be in the same place as now you were used to your comfort - the comfort zone topped with the icing of laziness.

Random thoughts, the struggle to make each day happening and new - the patience to see - "today is my day" without even having a list of what should be in the day. Small attainable things become a far-away sight because there is no passion to achieve long-term goals - there is no spark, no zeal and you are living like the dead.

That's the time, you need to pick up urself - pick up each piece carefully and remember each moment of life is so very precious - each second can be made beautiful - if you wished, if you dreamt - dreamt passionately without conditions.

How would it feel to override the term - "ENVY" with the term "COURAGE"... Muster up the courage - so that the green color appears in someone else's eyes instead of your's.

Vanilla

Flavourless.Plain.Average.Nothing more in it.

And yet at times - the most sought out taste.

Hopping in the ice-cream parlour, her eyes looked at the multiple flavours they had,and as usual,she wished to hear the "Yes" sound from her heart.

"Mam, try this - looks good and feels good", "Mam,This is just awesome - newly launched just for you."

Her friends around her had ordered all the fancy flavours out there, displaying the expression - "We got the best one, the apperance is so tempting".

She took a lot of time to decide what she wanted. She never wanted to be wrong.She never was attracted to appearances or decorations, because she knew, that would never last for long. 

Not a quick decision-maker, she looked back to her choices made earlier and gave a shrug - "No way, I am gonna taste that again".

Giving a quick glance,at the appearances,imagining the taste of each one - that could satisfy her heart, she choose to pick up the one at the most corner - hidden and untaken by none.

"Vanilla" - She could hear it - "Yes", I want that. And she knew - a silent war would start up between the heart and the brain.

Commanded the heart, the brain rebelled - "I never have vanilla,Its plain - nothing in it.Try something that soothes the eyes atleast."

The heart said out loud - But, still I want it NOW.

The brain gave up. And in 2 minutes, she had the Vanilla in her hand.

Simple and yet the one that she said "Yes" to.

Each portion was taken up carefully to savour the taste endlesslesly and she could feel it move down her throat to her stomach, lighting up her face.

Occasionally, looking at the different flavours that everyone was trying and giving differnt opinions - "Looks good, but the taste is not that good."

Someone, just trying up to cover up their mistakes - "We should atleast take some risk,at some point" .

Another one - " Let me just settle down with an another to override this bad taste"

And hear she was - Silent and Satisfied with what she had chosen. The taste was not special or unique from others.

No,nothing extra-ordinary, yet she was happy.
Happy, that the ice-cream did the job of satisfying her taste buds and happy from the choices she had to make.

It was not a short-cut. It was well-thought of.

Reach out for something simpler, something that is average, something that is just plain and something that just fulfills the desire of the heart and confuses it less.

Reach out to someone who just makes your heart happy and does not intend to complicate things further.
Reach out to someone who is unique in a way, that you would never have complaints.

She smiled once more. The heart did the best job and the brain did its best - by listening to the heart.

Mirage

I asked you to leave. Leave me.

I asked you not to cling to me for long.

There was a silent war going on between the gray cells which forced on to create those ripples in the brain.

Leave my thoughts alone.You disobeyed.

You always do. You do what you like and not what is right,at times.

Wish you always did what you like. But sometimes you listen to the heart, sometimes you listen to the mind.

That whole thing confuses me deeply. Follow one rule. It makes my life simpler, I told you.You disobeyed.

You walk in my thoughts anytime you wish, without knocking. And you tend to stay there for long, sometimes in the back of my mind, sometimes hidden in my soul.

You are there, always there.

No matter the countless people I meet or the countless people I see, You are there on top of the stack of my mind and heart.

When I close my eyes, it's like a flashback.From one moment to an another, those seconds in between make me gasp for you.

Under those million images, I find you black and white standing there.Clueless and Expressionless. 

I walk towards you and you tend to run. Make me long for you as ever before. You make me taste the recipe of happiness and bliss,and now you want to make me want for you ever more.
You want me to run after you, struggle for you, pull on all my strength and crave for you.

Helpless,is the word.Hold on with me, I told you.You disobeyed.You always do.

I wondered what you were. 

In and out, I looked for you and in between the cluster and chaos, I could hear someone whisper your name - "SUCCESS" is your name - They said.

I hear myself saying: You are nothing but a "MIRAGE" and I compel myself to again wish and say : "Leave me, yet hold on".

Un-Love

Probably, we are used to the feeling of people leaving us in the middle of the path  from time to time.
They come un-announced and leave un-announced and between that melodramatic era of the so-called togetherness, you have made sure that they feel they have the best of the world...
You have made sure that they cannot get any more lucky....
and made sure that nothing ever can go wrong with them.
And all of a sudden there is a storm, that disturbs the shore...and whoop..they leave....
There have been milli-seconds when they have been precious to you..they make a space in the most neglected organ of your body - the heart....making it beat for them....and they choose to go heartless.
This is even less pain, the actual pain erupts when you are left with no reasons...U question them in and out and they do not have anything to reply...and then this feeling of being thrown in the trash is even more worse when you do not even know what made you so useless and so un-important in their lives.


After numerous failing attempts of thinking day and night of what really is wrong, you wake up from the fallen decision of yours, to make an effort to perfect yourself...
You keep on struggling to get the best out of you, you keep on walking towards a path with an unknown destination in mind,your thoughts turn to the road of achieving perfection in unknown areas...And you did this even when they were with you, but this time the whole center-point of your life is changed.
Earlier it was them and now its for "URSELF"
.
And they say, we tend to become selfish - No one,I suppose is born selfish - they have been forced to look only towards themselves by the world...They had immense love and happiness within themselves enough to light up the world...and that light was smashed in a way that they built themselves a fear around them, a boundary within themselves to not let anyone in.


In the midst, of the turbulence of emotions within themselves of loving others or loving oneself,they lose the directions and end up with "UN-LOVE" - where you cannot "HATE" them and nor do you have the rights to "LOVE" them.


And yes, this is that time of your life when you want happiness for them beneath the fortifying anger against the world.

Thought.

There is a thought every second - for some it might be at every millisecond - good ones,bad ones,crazy ones, wierd ones, serious ones and some actual real thoughts that keep on plunging in your mind and heart both at every nano second.

My thoughts revolve around "Yeh,some day everything is gonna fall in place"- some day, some time of life I will have myself fulfilled with joy and bliss and some moment I will live truly.
Live without restrictions and constraints, live without dependencies, life which would be in a state - where I do not have to depend on external happiness and just be fulfilled within myself.

And sometimes, I wash away those thoughts saying it's almost next to impossible to cater satisfaction to our minds and hearts.
Our wish-list never seem to end. Our ambitions grow daily.Our thoughts change daily,depending on the environment with which we surround ourselves with.
Probably our thoughts are not our own, they grow with an impact of other people or situations.
Our Eyes have been placed in such a way that we can just look at people's actions and behaviours, their homes and bank-balances, their posts and those happy pictures posted out there.
Wish, we had the eyes to look within ourselves, to improve ourselves, to have the courage of making our weaknesses into strength and those ears to listen to ourselves rather than people's talks and comments.

How I wish to be at peace within myself, to please people without hurting myself, to get rid of every negative emotion inside me and live a life that is full of bliss.
How I wish there is a life where I can say "Now is my time".
How I wish I was no more a puppet that's been handled by time and luck.
How I wish I stop giving a damn and struggle myself to come out and shine in the world.

What would it be, if I stopped making the efforts to excel myself and try to bring perfection in every thing I do ?
What would it be, if I stopped pleasing people and make them happy ?

Happiness in true sense - is hard to find and harder to digest.
From moments to thoughts, my mind wanders in search of the real "I do not give a damn of what you think of me"

4 Letters.

And you thought it was in movies, in short stories, in novels, even in high school text books...You thought it would never touch you, you thought how can people just get into real complications...how can such a mess occur just by looking at each other , just with that one sight, just with that one phone call, just with that one wink, just with that one smile..How some silly conversations could make you think of that person day and night - how you would try to do your best to please that person - atleast not make them unhappy....

You thought this was UNREAL...until it struck you - You never even thought that one second, one call, one message, one meeting could change your life..could make things go upside-down in you, could make you beg inside, could break you so much and yet make you strong at the same time.

That one incident would give you a new life...new thoughts, new feelings, new emotions, bring out the hidden you inside you, the craziness inside you, the wierdness inside you, you long for that care, you can start noticing the hidden likeness behind the anger, you start demanding, commanding and bring out the child in you back.

You want to tease and talk at lengths on topics you never thought you would even have to discuss..you  begin to question and don't feel upset when you have to answer numerous or even countless unnecessary questions.

Those once so-called lovey-dovey silly songs now seem to be just made for you and time seems to go damn slow when you are far from them. You can now advice or take advice even though you know what to do and when to do and every single move of yours has to be updated.

You pray, you ask blessings and you silently wish "BE MINE" , "BE MINE" and hope your prayers,your wishes don't go unanswered this time. You dream your daily routine, your every second of your coming life with that one person and just wish no matter what I just want this to happen.

And now, as you are reading this(single,married,dating,divorced- any status), you are just thinking of that one person you have always wanted, you thought that is your soul's mirror-image, you thought - That's her or that's him... then pat your backs because now even you have been touched by that infection -LOVE.

And wait, nothing is so rosy as it seems there is an another part to this - "UNLOVE".

Guilty Pleasures.

There is a culprit in imperfection - it is a guilty pleasure.
Leave things the way they are, creating an imperfect environment around you, trailing behind is, an ample amount of lazyness and the next thing when you wake up from your addiction to imperfections, is the giant monster of guilt building up in you, leading to an another negative emotion - Anger.

Anger not towards anybody is so hurting than towards you. When you angry on someone, you can blast them with cuss words or just have a cold war with them - but anger for yourself creates an havoc inside you.

Breaks you to pieces - How can I just be so lazy or so imperfect ? Where is the little clean angel in me gone?
One negative emotion leading to another an then to another belittling your confidence to pieces.

Happens when you decide to start that new fitness diet - One day - perfect, second day - perfect, third day - a bit lazy,fourth day- a bit more, fifth day - about to quit and the sixth day - you quit that fitness regime - The evil monster won and you let it win.

That relationship - where you knew, you didn't have a Destination - Yet you move on with that person - creating a surge of emotions for both of you.
You hit it off instantly with that person, making you want more and more, like that little child craving for pieces of choclates everytime he sees the wrapper.
You had turned deaf ears to your loved ones and you just wanted to walk on the path without any destination because the journey itself was so beautiful or probably there was a bit of hope that someway down the line a destination would build up. 

You make up your mind so hard to start,to work towards your desired wish and that giant monster in you wins.
This does not happen once or twice - this happens everytime because our desired wish is not so passionate or strong like the giant monster.

Temptations rule your mind - the decision whether to do it or not is always won on the strong base of the temptation.
You know you are going to face evil consequences and still you go ahead and push yourself to that tempting wish of yours - to satisfy the giant monster in you.

Life would never have been confusing or on the cross roads if you always know to rule out your temptations. If you always want things straight and never challenging, you would never push yourself to the giant monster,Instead you will find out ways to feed the little angel in you.
But pleasures are pleasures - temporary yet satisfying and those lead you to path of negative emotions.
There comes this free life - a free day, where you do everything the giant monster tells you to do - you believe its your life - you have full rights to make fun from it - but at the end, do we really know whether it was worth it ?