Freeze-D

Until recently, She feared everything.Fear to take new steps,Fear to walk away far, Fear to try something new, Fear to travel alone,Fear to apply for new jobs, Fear to attend interviews - because she was used to WIN.

She always wanted to win, no matter what. And most of the times she never tried because she knew she would fail.

She could accept everything except failure.She was happy - Good education,Good family, extremely adorable friends and someone she loved to the core. 

God wanted something else for her. She had to quit her comfort zone and do the things she never did. And there he let the most prized possession of her to leave her behind,he left without a word - She was shattered.

Shattered to the core, broke to an extent that she dint knew if she could get back to life.God still wanted something else for her. She had to pull up herself from everything and start afresh. That was not the end of everything. He was nothing.

Nothing at all. There was much more in life to do than sit and crib for someone who had no value to anything.
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As she clicked on the "horoscopes" app on Facebook (this provided a guarantee to her,that the mystery of her life would soon get solved) - she could read the lines "You can do anything if you put your mind into it".
What stops her, what pulls her back? What makes her lazy - its more of a paralysis-analysis situation. It takes long to take a new step - fearing you mite be out of the comfort and reach to a place where there is no return.

She knew there are no full-stops once you take a step. You always have a way, if you are ready to step up.

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It was nearing an year when she had decided to give it all up.
But something, something just kept coming to the surface, to her heart, she could not just let it go.

Irrespective of seeing other guys forcefully - her heart was stuck there as though it was more stronger than the "fevicol jod".   She still believed she could make it work. She needed nothing,nothing from him. Just a bit of communication everyday or atleast once a week. Just to make sure he was well, he was happy. Deep down, she knew he wasn't.

She had written this a million times - how she felt for him, how she still feels his warm hug when they met after months, how she could feel those "moments", Even if she din't have him all, she could feel him walking beside her.
She would have simple monologues to herself which she felt were dialogues, she knew no communication is needed, if they were near to each other. But things were different, they were far which made everything stop for her.

Sometimes, it brings the shit out of her..she feels vulnerable,breakable at any moment and yet she has to bring herself together and start walking.

She thinks it happens in movies - let go the person you love and he will come after 5,8,10 years! she wondered would that happen to her.
She cannot connect to anyone else till she has him in her soul.
Her mind told her a zillion times to stop going behind him - who listens.
She doesn't, She doesn't want to. Because its for the heart, she lives.

And it has nothing, but love for him. She stopped judging him long back, stopped hearing to anyone who advised her to look for other guys. She wasn't sure if he thought so much about her just the way her every nerve did. But she really din't care. She never expected any love, any response till the time was right for him. She just wanted him to know, some day - that there is someone really on this world - who loves him un-conditionally-without expectations.

They said - this is not possible. Everyone loves for a reason, for convenience, for making oneself happy. Here she was in love with him without expecting, without reasons, and there was no convenience for her.

Occasionally, she would ping him and there would be no responses. She had to take the guts out of her to make a call. Fearing, he would never pick up.

Terrible moment - when all you want to hear is a voice and nothing else. The feeling of love still becomes more stronger for her and surpasses that feeling of being ignored.

As she lays in her bed, thinking - what must he be thinking. He wants her to move on so she could have a happy life.
She thinks to try harder so that "they" could live a happy life.

Live together, laugh together, crack jokes, pass on those witty comments, cook for him, take care of him and all this with minimal conversation.

Somehow she believed - they don't need to speak. Everything would just happen as though their brains and hearts were linked.

Sometimes she just wishes, to cuddle with him and talk nothing. Nothing at all and still feel that was the happiest conversation they had. She knew there was a connection and this was a testing time.

It frightens her if this is all false. But her heart still tells her to keep holding on to him.No matter what he does, she is still there - hanging on, for nobody, but him.

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In between all the chaos of the mind and its million thoughts in a second - She knows, There is more to LIFE and yet holds on to a place where she started of.
Those eyes had met for a reason and the reason is not known yet - she wants to stand there, till she knows what is the magic with them.

Till then, she will hold her hands only with herself and stay freezed. She doesn't know till what time - but till the time her heart gets knocked again.
                                  Again - only by him.

Volcanic Portrait.

This feeling is back - (it never went in the first place,mite be).

All this time, I was merely controlling the fact, we couldn't be together and even bought a goddamn fast-track bag so that I could "Move-on" :P

But, as I run down my fingers, on to the most prized possesion of my newly bought smart phone, I see your changed DP.

It made me go weak again in my knees, Nothing surpassing to the originality of you, just a casual you sitting there (at some mall) but your eyes as though looking so deeply into someone, (Wish, I could figure out who resides in those eyes), that half-smile letting out to a small dimple on your cheeks, brightly sending sparks of attitude and that kodak moment in itself could mesmerize me, making me want you forever. That innocence, that cuteness, that makes me just think aloud - How can I not want him ever ? Something silly made me put it out as my mobile's wallpaper.
Somewhere, where I could see you smiling.

             

              How could one canvas bring out life in me ?

I run down the memory lane, see those flashbacks of the first time we met to the last time we danced. This is something really like that volcanic feeling again,this is something really pure and this is something I wish to tell you out - I really,really wish, I could be in those eyes, I really wish, I could be a reason for those dimples.

For one last time, I really wish you could accept those three words from me.

       

        For one last time, I really want to be in this volcano forever.

Namesake.

                 Can a co-incidence occur everyday ?

Everyday as I move out of my home or my office - I get to see your name written either on an auto-rickshaw, a car, some food centre, some Hair-dresser, some beauty parlour, some optician, some gas-station,some society and what not.

There are times when the name-written autorickshaw is just so in front of me and its like I am following it up on the same route till my work-place!!!

Before some months, I thought it might be just because the way I keep thinking about you, I end up seeing your name everywhere but now,this has become a habit or might be just magic.

I see your name practically atleast one day written somewhere or the other.

Does it still tell me to wait ? Does it still tell me to hold on for you? Why does it have to revive all the memories in seconds?

Why do I end up seeing those dimples again in front of my eyes. Why now , when I chose to move on ? Why do you keep coming, when infact you never want me ?

                       Why do I keep chanting that name?

Dare you :-)

 

                                   Kya aaj meri roti fulegi ?

                                   Kya aaj meri daal galegi ?

Those were his first thoughts every morning when he woke up. He was making consistent efforts to fulfill the roles they had exchanged.

But every day, it used to turn out to be a disaster.

One day it was the pressure cooker going right up to the ceiling,making him clean the whole kitchen and resulting into a "no-food" day and another day it was the dough that had nothing but water in it. He tried to fix it up by adding some more flour to it which even made it more worse. He looked up and decided I wont give up. Does she think only she can handle the kitchen? 

                                   No ways - I can and I will. 

This was his umpteenth attempt to fulfill her desire of learning to cook. He tried to make rotis everyday and he could - but in all shapes except round..

Looking at the roti,he tried to put up a round vessel on it and cut the sides..Wish I was good at craft, thought he.

The other day, he had made the cooker whistle for atleast 10 times and yet uski daal nahi gali..Gosh! He looked at the mobile, took it in his hands,glanced at the last dialled number.

                    Yaar, aaj to Gaadi 4th gear mai daalni hi hai

            Clutch dheere dheere hi chodna hai,ekdum se nahi chodna

            Do do mirrors kyun detey hai yeh log,kaha kaha dekhu mai..

Her ego was much more than giving up on how to drive.

They had an argument the other day - You can never learn to cook just the way I can never learn to drive. And that's when they had taken up the dare to complete each other's weaknesses.

Lost in thoughts, she had banged the car and put up herself in a traffic jam that could last for hours. She stood there helpless and dialled the last number.

         "Don't dare to challenge me, I can never win without You" :D :-) 

Leased.

Terrible feeling - Where I hate you so much that I still have to think about you. I dont want to hate you and I never again want to love you, EVER.

 

I just want you to leave from my thoughts,from my mind and especially my heart. Just walk away like you already did, from every inch of me.

 

Why are you leaving behind your impressions on me ? I dont need them anymore.

 

I need space - I want my heart and mind to be just void. Go away - for god sake just go away!

Because, now, I hate you so much as though I never loved you in the first place.

 

I really dont want you.Go find some other place for you.

                          

                    Your lease is over - release me.

 

The lease did mention **conditions applied** - Which I din't notice.As usual, Blind. 

Rainbow in the gray

"White" she shouted - who gets a white car!!!!

"Black" is so much in!!!

"Well, though black is in, it would get too hot so let us settle down with white."

She looked away from him - "Do what you like" and they hadn't talked about it until the car came in.

Offcourse, White!

In the middle of the traffic, she was standing there, although the signal turned green - as she reflected back to this incident, she realizes how minute those issues were."How stupid of me to fight over that" .

She reminisces that day when she was busy persuading to buy a black car.

In the midst of the impatient honking on the busy cross-roads, she realizes White or Black what did it matter ? 

She had always wanted him to be the rainbow of her life and spread colors all throughout their lives and atleast not get thrown in the GRAY area.

Shining Diamonds

 

"I hate you" would have been even more pleasant to hear than "I am happy without you".

 

Her heart went NUMB -Feelingless,Painless,emotionless.

 

Nothing could touch her - it was a ROCK.And Shining Diamonds were indeed ROCKS!