I wish someone told me

This post is a big WOW!!! by BlogAdda :)

I wish someone told me – Why is there so much emptiness without you?

"No,we cannot go ahead with this marriage."

"Why?"

"I don't know - I don't have a reason"

"Atleast tell me the reason."

"Let's just not discuss - we have had enough of them,I am tired saying the same things again and again"

"Yeh, But it’s a question of our life, our love"

 "Not ours anymore – it’s yours."

From a "WE", they were left with a "U" and a "ME".

He hung up. And She stood standing in the middle of her home terrace - froze to death.

How could he just give it up?

Flashback.

Morning 5:10 AM - Place- Borivali station.

A message beeped on her cell - I am here.

She looked at it again-Was he really?

She wondered - Did he really come so early in the morning and She quickly left her compartment to walk towards the train door.

There he was. Oops! With an instant reflex to her heart - Where was he all these years? Her eyes met those sparkling stars and She could not stop blushing.

He extended her hand and She gave a thought - Yes or No ?

There was no question of No - She did and he pulled her down on the station.

It was Bliss. She dint know what to say. He kept staring, he smiled and She fell in those dimples.

From the first call to the little sms-es, to the railway station, at home and then Juhu, to the Iscon temple, to the CCD, to Ramada, to the countless virtual encounters.. The witty lines, the humour, the care, the taunts, the rush of emotions, the happiness, the tears, the war to win him,the anger when She could not reach out to him, to the "Did you like my pictures?",to the recent one "Did you read my blog?" - Somehow, Her world started and ended between Him.

All these years, She had wanted him badly, so badly probably he never could have imagined.

She just wanted nothing from him. She just wanted to make him happy. To love him unconditionally, Every single milli-second, She used to think about him - What should She do to make him happy ? What should She not do, to not make him angry ?

She could literally feel a tinge in her heart, when She thought She could not reach him.

Dawn.

And today after all these years - he had given up. Given up without even telling her a reason, her fault.

She tries, She tried not to call him, not to message him, not to write those one-liners - but every time a thought came to her - She wanted him to be the first one to know. Every time She looked beautiful - She wanted him to see her.

Every time She wrote something - She wanted him to read it. Every place She went to - She wanted him. Its silly to pen down these emotions at this time - Yet She wanted to do it. She did not want to regret it and keep all these things within herself.

She did not know how many times She had cried, How many times the tears just rolled down and How many times She had been totally helpless. 

She wished this was just some infatuation but it wasn't and She knew that deep down. 

She did not want to confuse Him or make Him weak - for the first time, She wanted to be selfish and let Him know what goes on in her with his harsh words.

She wondered - How sometimes She just used to whisper his name out and smile to herself, how sometimes She used to just get a glow while thinking about him...How sometimes a thought popped in - does he think about me ?

How sometimes She used to listen to a song and then just imagine him...how sometimes She used to randomly sing some song for Him....How this journey became so memorable that She can remember every single moment of it.

How much She wanted to light up those dimples for Him....

How much She din't want to give up on him....

She had thought of Him as her life ,and now, he had given her an option to be just a part of her life..become "Just Friends" ,just to be his support or rather each other's support - Just be there like the countless people in their lives.

She thought to give this a try..Just be a regular update in his life - provide each other some details of their lives - and then in the background think - what if he was there, what if She was in my life....creating more confusions and more pain in their lives...we cannot change this character or role of what we have - She did not think this was even possible - because just looking at his number on her cell created a different out-of-the-world feeling....

The first thought that comes is "She belongs to him"

She can either LOVE Him completely or LEAVE Him completely. There is no middle way in here.

She never wanted to talk to him again , messaged him the same - 

That there is no point of talking to Him again as this is killing her even more.

After some hours, She had realized what would it be to read that message if She was in his place - and She felt shattered at the thought of it, thinking how could She hurt Him when She loved Him the most - how could She not support Him when He needed her the most. 

How could She just think of herself and how could She not bear this pain just for Him ?

And She had called Him - She just wanted to hear his voice - She dint know what to expect from Him but it was hard to hear from Him that He could forget her , that He could make a place for someone else in his life - out of uncontrollable situations, He had said this.

And She heard it - keeps ringing in her ears - that She will be nothing in his life anymore. She could just be an another friend in his life - that he wanted to be committed to someone else - He said it all because He wanted her to move on from Him, to think Him as some different role in her life - She was not sure if that was possible or not but She made up a decision to never trouble Him - to do exactly what He said to her - to lessen his hurt - She will do it .

She will always make Him happy without any expectations from Him.

She wished to meet Him once, to feel Him once, to believe that He belonged to her for atleast a day and create memories that She could carry within herself all through her life.

Yeh, She somehow doesn't think about him..She does not. She knows, She really does not..She just breathes him.

Tough, but She is focusing her energies in all the work She can do....She is trying to fool her heart, just the way a mom tries to divert her child's attention.

In the midst of all the chaos of waiting or just giving up, She just has one thought – “I wish someone told me why was he gone before I could love him completely ?”

She just wanted a reason – a reason, her fault, her mistake – That could change their lives into heaven.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

           This post is also for Getting Published At IndiBlogger

Volcanic Silence

Silence. But,Inside a volcano that was waiting to erupt anytime.

She had millions of things to tell him and she could feel he wasn't interested in listening to all those things.

That could pull him more towards her which he din't want now.

She wondered - there were so many like her in his life - What difference, if any, would make if she would tell him her heart out ? 

Would he feel the same lines again ? Would there be any respect for her feelings , her words ever in his life ? 

She decided not to speak at all. She could feel the anger inside but she loved him more than that and kept quiet. 

She could not speak anything after that. There was silence.

Togetherness after 382 days and there was more silence than ever. 

Loads to talk,but loads of thoughts that troubled her, mite be him too. 

She thought he might not trust her words, he might again think that she is flirting, that she is convincing him - she dint want him to think that way, because it wasn't true..

She meant it to be pure and true - but she dint know how to put it in words. She did not want to capture him, she wanted to make him free - free from all the confusions in his life from all the thoughts in his life -

she was helpless and he seemed too.

She dint want him to think that she used to use the same lines with all the guys, she wasn't that way.

Her dialogues might suggest something else to him but she thought he understood her - that those lines were for him and not for all.

He probably never understood her, he did not trust her.

Those dialogues were just witty lines which came up everytime she talked with him.

He thought there were too many guys behind her - but that wasn't the fact..She dint want to explain this to him because trust cannot be bought - it needs to be earned with time - and she had none. 

There were some mistakes she made - she opened up before him too fast , fast so that he misunderstood her to be the usual flirting gal. But it wasn't the fact - Time had passed and she could not change anything now. 

Dead again as ever. She did not know what to do, where to go, whom to talk. 

Why weren't things simpler ? Why was there pin-drop silence? Why did the eyes talk ? Why did the heart stop? 

Why are there too many questions ? Why are there no answers? Where were those dimples ? How could she bring them back ? Why was the volcano still inside her?

She wanted peace. She realized its just good to be friends ever again. Nothing else could be better. Nothing else could ever work out. 

Nothing else could bring a solution to this whole complication. 

Damn, friends ? What did that term mean now - The heart argued again and once again a Silent Volcano erupted creating a volcanic silence all around her.

Divine Magnetism

Flashback.

An unknown moment - appearing in front of her eyes.

From the corner of those dark,brown kajal-ed eyes, she can see his face, his dimples, as though they have been waiting for her look. 

She thought so. She believed so - her heart beat a little faster than usual as she recalled all the moments that she could actually never forget.

She closed her eyes - only to see his eyes staring at her unknowingly.

Vivid images of the black shirt kept on coming towards her.

It was like some kind-of black magic - she would keep on walking normally and then immediately stop as though someone grabbed her.

It was him again. She could not go leaving him ever. She prayed fervorously even after he was long gone.

She would open the morning paper to reach out to the horoscope section to read what his sun-sign said today and wished his day goes even better than yesterday. 

Why? she thought? How could she not hate him ? Why did she not have any reason allthough there were millions to do so.

And why that silly hope just din't die in her. Why was she so much not into someone else?

Damn, she thought. Why is there so much magnetism between him and her ?

She logged in her email account and she could see him in the list sometimes orange, sometimes green, sometimes grey - wondered why did she not delete him from there ?

Why was there still hope that one day she would ping him again just the way she randomly did it earlier - the best part was she never expected that he would do it.

She knew that - if she had to talk, it was always her - if he had to talk , then too it was her.

There was a signal to her heart - "Ping him" - because he will never do, he never did.

Don't ask why - he was that way - and she loved it.

And she was happy that way - he had set no expectations in her. It was her call to do things for him or not.

So she never expected from him and thus never got unhappy.

It was there right inside her till her soul - purity for him.

99% of the relations had a rule of give and take and her's was amongst the rest 1 % who really believed in the concept of only giving without any expecatations.

She did not want him to know what she felt, what she did, how she used to recite her name in between moments and smile to herself -

It was bliss for her and so she used to pen down her thoughts - in a way let them out from the inside of her.

But yes, She used to really wonder -

What was the divine magnetism between them ?

And there was faith - One day, she will have the answer.

Once again, he had captured her and left no way out.

Once more, she was on a path which had no destination but she loved this journey.
Once more, he proved himself a magnet.

Lost

She walked upto him. He did not see her. 
She tried holding his feet with her hands.He did not feel her.

She closed her eyes and began reciting his name.He did not hear her.

Since the past 25 years, from the age of 3, She used to take his name - every morning and every night - every second- she used to have an in-depth conversation with him. 

She always felt his need beside her no matter what she did. 

But today he was away from her - she was lost and he had forgotten about her.

She tried to search him.She looked everywhere and her heart pined for him.

In vain , She opened Facebook and typed in the search box "GOD".

Darkness

She closed her eyes.She wanted to withdraw herself from the thoughts. It din't work. 

You close your eyes so that you cannot see the world, in a process of thinking, that no one is watching you. 

She was at a cross-road. She took two steps ahead and stopped. She looked at the left direction, thinking - would this direction work? 

She stopped and moved back. She turned back...and walked that way - Stopped again thinking - Why would I go back again ?

There is only one way - the Right direction. She turned to the right and started walking there. 

She had no goals, no aims left. She just walked. 
Everyday,she did walk.Though she had no plans,she continued walking. 

Everyday she had the same thoughts - What to do, where to go, whom to talk, whom to trust ? She was just herself.

She choose to trust, to have faith - that - for one god damn time - she will have a good time in life. 

She will have a chance to shower some love around. All she wanted was love - and spread Love.

But life wanted to give her something else - always and forever - DARKNESS.

She waited, waited patiently. 

But there was darkness, she wanted to open her eyes to see light - but all she could feel was dampness and darkness. 

They said she would have someone right for her soon. "Soon" - did "Soon" just change its definition ?

The people around her felt she was arrogant and had attitude - Deep down, she knew - it was not true.

She had layers around her - which she thought would keep the unwanted people away from her. 

It took time for her to realize, that, that what made her look mysterious - that was what created the DARKNESS.

                           A voice called her again - She tried to ignore it again.

Rain-Drops

              There is a connection between you and the rain.

                     

                        Unexpected and Immense Bliss.

 

She cuddled herself in the blanket, let loose her random thoughts, dream and dream hearing the Pitter-Patter of the rain - feeling complete, even though everything is missing - she is at peace - Loving the sound of sprinkling drops all over - the frogs croaking - the sound of the wind.

 

                               Reminds her of you.

 

She wakes up with the noise of the raindrops, wishes to sleep those extra ten minutes before she is ready to rock the world. She dreams about the best things in the world with that background noise and feels bliss - smiles and thanks the heavens for the beautiful things around her.

 

Though, everything she wanted is not around her - she is blessed that she does not have those things which she never wanted.  

She pushes herself out of the bed - because it's time to prove herself again.

               

                A new day - new sunshine - same thoughts.

                              

"How do I still make Myself better and beautiful ?" A voice said - "I will".

 

She smiled.Looked into the mirror - opened her dark brown eyes.

Her Eyes had a real sparkle and anyone could just go deep down. She was proud of them - becase they spoke to anyone who could read them.

                         

                        Scintillating and Seductive.

 

She adjusted her fringes in front of her head, tried to tie-up her hair and let them loose again. Gave a wicked smile, thinking - who's next?

 

The next second - she knew who it was - there was no NEXT. It was him still. She made herself better for him - Allthough she din't care whether she belonged to his thoughts anymore. She made sure she was perfectly dressed, the perfect face,the perfect skin and the minute details of the nail-polish.                      

 

              She din't know him well - but she knew he loved perfection.

 

He is never going to see her - never going to talk to her - They lived miles apart and still she could feel him beneath her.

 

She loved the rain-drops more than the rain. Only the lucky ones, can feel and see the rain-drops on their eyes and smile in the rain. The others are happy just by watching the rain go down on the ground.

 

           But, there is a difference between the rain and the rain-drops. 

 

Enter - You can always Love a person truely until and unless you don't know them INSIDE-OUT.You can fall in love with the RAIN-DROPS only when you can feel them - in the shadows of time, under the shades of comfort - its rain - its ordinary water.

         

             And, a BITTER truth - that rain does not belong to you.

 

 

Hide - N - Seek

Ever played - Hide N Seek ? How is it when your turn comes to search?

The time when you close your eyes and think whom would I get first ? The thoughts who is that I can get hold of ? The racing heart beats what if somebody hits the tree and I have to take my chance again ?

What if they play a prank on me and just go home and I keep searching all day long...

And its even more enticing on the other end - You got to hide yourself and also make sure that you want the opponent to take his chance again.

 

You make sure you are hidden from those thoughts - that they never should ever appear in you. And like a lightning effect - they came to seek you again - you ran, tried to hide yourself again and failed and they won - with a cunning smile - telling you "I will get hold of you every time"

 

Its the same feeling - You thought you have outgrown out of it - You diverted your mind towards a million other things or people - started your favourite hobby classes,started meeting new people, pushed yourself to improve your personality, dumped yourself in tons of work - focussed on moving ON...

All of a sudden - in between all the midst and chaos of moving on with the new things in life - your heart has a pain - you close your eyes and all you can see is his face, his eyes, his smile - his looks - no matter how bad things turned you still remember that first look when your eyes met - how many million dreams you just had flowing in your heart.

 

You still take his name and sleep - you still in between the random thoughts of yours - can see his thought in between your brain cells -

You try to bring up hatred in yourself for him - you try to think all the negative thoughts about him - and you LOSE - coz he is still inside you - he never went - Your brain focussed on the million other things you treated it to - but your heart wanted nothing of those...

You still make efforts to stop those tears running all the way down to your cheeks and lips - and at the end , you feel you failed again to overcome him.

 

How many times were you truely happy and at peace with the other replaced things or people ? Even once - I can bet not even half a time.

 

It is like the hide n seek game - First you try to find the right person - you wish you get hold of him immediately so that you don't have the pressure of finding other people and once you get hold of the person - you hide yourself from him - from being sought.

 

                                   Time to Hide, to be sought or just QUIT ?